1. A list of all the things squirrels could do with their time besides harass me while I’m eating trail mix.
2. Russian ballet posters of the 1970s: the good, the bad, the abysmal.
3. My favorite vocabulary words from kindergarten through twelfth grade.
4. The best long-wear lipsticks for fighting the patriarchy.
5. How to teach a flock of bluebirds to do your ironing.
6. Reasons I cry, besides the fact that my sweater collection will never be as expansive as that of Donna's from Twin Peaks.
7. The ways I’ve disappointed my mother.
8. The ways I’ve disappointed myself.
9. The best cuticle ointments for those of us who get hella hangnails.
10. How to fix one of your pitiful, non-Twin Peaks sweaters when you snag it on a hangnail.
11. A gallery of the hats I would wear if I were Queen Elizabeth.
12. The best ways to touch a cat’s belly.
13. A comprehensive guide to Chinchilla dust bath videos.
14. All the shit I returned to Target last month.
15. "Stop, Snowball!" Or, How to Keep Your Cat from Eating Christmas Tinsel.
16. A review of Jacob Godbey’s comedy album, which is expected to hit gold in a decade.
17. A roundup of Islamaphobic shit my aunt says on Facebook that pisses me off.
18. What happens when you don’t stop, drop, and roll.
19. Be Kind, Please Rewind!: Profiles of the last six people to own VHS players.
20. A review of Hungarian folk embroidery patterns.
21. All the reasons why Corri M. Smith deserves to be frustrated with her Odyssey team.
22. Google vs. Ask.com, as told by Venn diagrams and a sock puppet who lost one of his button eyes during the Great War.
23. An ode to Vicar of Dibley, world’s greatest TV show.
24. The cutest things that Audrey of Audrey’s DBA Photobooth has said, ever.
25. Why babies are cute to look at, but sticky to touch.
26. Answers to common questions about owning cats, such as, “Would my cat eat my body if I died alone in my apartment?” (The answer is yes.)
27. How to keep yourself occupied while you wait in an abysmally slow Starbucks drivethrough line.
28. Eating the last cookie, and other things my anxiety prevents me from doing.
29. Quiz: do these feet belong to a rooster, or a chicken?
30. How your English teacher can tell that you watched the movie instead of reading the book.
31. Hey, Boo: Profiles of the only six people to actually read To Kill a Mockingbird for sophomore English class, instead of watching the movie.
32. Why Google knows more about me than my boyfriend does.
34. Why I skipped over number 33 in this list.
35. Things to shake like a Polaroid picture, besides your booty. (Babies are not on this list.)
36. How to make your bed.
37. How to give yourself a backrub, because you are lonely.
38. A discussion about what Nabisco has been doing to Oreos lately.
39. New Yorker cartoons that don’t quite make sense, but that you should pretend you find funny so everyone will know how highbrow you are.
