Today I woke up and just wasn’t feeling it, so I went back to sleep for four more hours. When I woke up from that, I made my way to the couch, plopped down, and turned on the Pretty Little Liars marathon. And that was my day.
That was a lot of my days this summer, actually. If I wasn’t working incredibly long shifts (doing what I absolutely love), I was home watching Netflix all day. I would be way too tired to do anything or just have no motivation. I would rarely go out after work in fear of how I would feel the next day. I turned myself off of coffee because of the negative effects it has on sleep patterns. I was adulting way too hard for a twenty-year-old girl home for the summer.
My parents would even try their hardest to get me to go out whenever I could. Even it meant just literally coming outside and sitting on our deck with them. Or basically pushing me out the door for a date (it ACTUALLY happened).
And all of this stemmed from being afraid of the rare to happen. I was afraid of what the world had in store because of the darkness I had experienced in the past. I used to love to take chances and risks and be the center of attention. But when my skeletons came out of the closet, I couldn’t contain my fear anymore. I was a hypochondriac in terms of fear. I would put together these crazy Criminal Minds like scenarios that could happen to me. And it ruined my schema.
When my new personality was brought up to everyone I love’s attention, I was really conflicted. These actions made me comfortable in everyday life. This is how I ensured I would be happy and how I would keep tragedy out of my family. I did not have the “It can’t happen to me” attitude at all, which is good; however, I had the “It probably will happen to me” attitude, which is worse.
Then I was hit with the reality that bad things are going to happen to me even if I isolate myself.
I was so afraid of the bad things that I missed out on the good.
Somethings are just out of our control, and all up to the man upstairs. If it’s my time to go, it’s my time to go, whether I’m lying on my parents’ couch or I’m cliff diving.
Life is not long enough to live the protective life I made for myself. I came to realize that I want to live the “Oh my god I can’t believe I did that!” than the “Man, I wonder what would have come of that.” Breaking out of the anxious and protective personality I gave myself is a working progress, but definitely well worth it. “Well, all I'm saying is that I want to look back and say that I did the best I could while I was stuck in this place, had as much fun as I could while I was stuck in this place."
