Waiting,

Waiting on the moment,

The moment in which it will all be easier.

Will it ever get easier?

Or will it continue to get harder?

Can I make it through this?

Will I make it through this?

Is it possible to get rid of this feeling?

This feeling of falling apart?

Like I can’t do anything that is acceptable?

Is it possible to feel anything other

Than the feeling of worthlessness?

Is it possible to ever feel loved?

Possible to get out of bed

And WANT to see the light of day?

To want to get out of bed and accomplish something?

Wanting to just do anything in general with the day?

Wanting to make a difference in life?

Hoping that this feeling of nothingness goes away,

Hoping that maybe something will go right,

Hoping that this pit of desperation,

This pit of having lost hope,

Will soon go away.

This pit of wanting to find help,

But not knowing how to ask,

Not knowing how to find the words.

The words though, will hopefully be found,

This pit may be filled,

And I will have the feeling of relief.

The pit of feeling

Like everything is going wrong,

Will hopefully just vanish,

Will just go away and leave me alone.

I always feel so helpless,

Feel like I can’t catch a break,

The feeling of being unloved, even unwanted,

I cry out, but am unheard,

I call for help,

But my calls are unanswered.

Can they even hear me?

Do they even want to hear me?

Am I even worth it?

Is it even worth trying?

Am I worth the space that I take up?

Am I worth all these messes being made?

Am I worth enough?

To even be able to stay in this place?

Worth enough to live?

I cried out again for help,

Someone finally answered,

They came to my rescue,

But did they really want to help?

Or did they feel like they were forced too?

Are they really here to help me?

Or are they here to judge?

Why do I feel like they aren’t sincere

About the fact that they want to help me?

Why do I still feel

This deep pit of despair?

This pit of still feeling lonely?

Do they truly care?

Do they feel my pain?

Can they feel my pain?

Do they have the ability

To feel this kind of pain?

This kind of hurt?

This kind of betrayal?

Can ANYONE else feel this pain?

This pain of wanting to go to bed,

Then never waking up again?

Of wondering what life would be like

If maybe I just wasn’t here?

Of wondering if I am really, truly important

Would people really miss me?

Or would I just be a painful memory?

These scars,

These self-inflicted wounds,

They are all proof,

Proof that I feel pain,

Proof that I am sensitive about my emotions,

Sometimes too sensitive,

They are proof that

I crave physical pain,

Crave it in hopes that it will help,

Help with all of my emotional hurt.

Maybe this physical pain

Will make all of this emotional pain,

This pain built up inside of me, subside

It doesn’t help though,

Not the way that I would like it to.

It makes things worse,

Worse because now the pain,

It is both physical and emotional.

What do people think

When they see my scars?

All these self-inflicted wounds?

What do they think

When I tell them I can’t focus,

Can’t focus on anything,

And it is because of all of this pain,

The pain of feeling unwanted, unloved,

The feeling that maybe,

Just maybe,

The people around me,

They would be better off without me?

The feeling of being let down,

The feeling of letting those around me down.

The feeling that this person,

This being that I am,

Is nothing but a screw up?

Supposed to have been something,

Something that I have turned out not to be?

The feeling that nobody believes

That I’m really not okay on the inside?

That I really need help,

A lot of help too.

Do they think that I am crazy?

That I’m just seeking attention?

Do they think that I’m being irrational?

That this is possibly

Just some flaw of my mind,

A disease of sorts that can just go away?

I know I am only human,

I know I make mistakes,

But I feel like maybe,

Just maybe,

My mistakes affect far too many people,

Affect the lives of many more people,

Than just my single being.

Affecting the lives of the people that I love the most.

I have trouble learning from them,

Learning from my mistakes,

Trouble because of my wish,

My wish to go back and fix them,

I wish I could go back in time,

To before I made these mistakes,

Only so that I could make a different choice,

A choice that doesn’t cause regret.

These marks on my arm,

These tears rolling down my face,

They aren’t to try to get attention,

They aren’t to get people to feel bad for me,

They are a way of saying that I need help.

A way of trying to say

That I don’t know how to form the words

To come out and ask for help

Without sounding completely crazy

While still passing along the full message.

The message that I need help,

Help to try to overcome these feelings,

Help trying to cope,

The message that I cannot do this by myself,

At least not anymore.

I need help to try to be okay.

Am I currently okay?

No, not even close.

Will I ever be okay?

No, but maybe more so in the future than now.

But I will never, ever be fully okay.

I will never be able to accomplish,

Never be able to have the amazing feeling,

Of looking at my reflection

In any mirror that I ever look in

And come to the understanding

That I have a lot of worth,

To be able to understand

That I can be a huge help,

That I can be a huge influence

To someone out there

That may cross my path.

Even if I feel like I am a waste of space.

I will never be able

To fully understand

The beauty that others may see

In this temple of mine.

The beauty of my spiritual being,

The beauty of my physical being,

Or the beauty of any aspect of myself.

I try so hard to better myself,

To try to feel better about myself,

But nothing seems to be working,

Nothing seems to be helping in any way.

I have all of the encouragement,

All of the love,

Of the people around me,

The people that say that they love me,

That say that they care about me.

The thing about it though,

Is that I lack the self-motivation,

I lack the self-encouragement,

And I lack the self-love

That I should have in order to excel

In bettering myself

In the best ways possible.

My lack of knowledge,

My lack of understanding

My true self-worth,

Doesn’t help anything.

This strong sense of feeling helpless,

Of feeling like I might be able to be something,

It doesn’t last long.

I do my absolute best

To try to grow closer to God,

To build up my Religious Knowledge,

But no matter what,

No matter how hard I try,

I still fall short.

My relationship still stays weak,

My knowledge stays limited,

I’m stuck feeling helpless.

I’m stuck feeling like there will never be

The sweet feeling of satisfaction,

Like the effort that I put in,

Will never pay off in the end.

I feel like giving up,

Like it isn’t even worth

The effort that I put in.

Why should I work toward goals

If all I do is feel like my efforts are going nowhere?

If all that I do is feel

Like everything I do

Isn’t for me,

But for the people around me?

To make everyone else happy?

To not try to make myself happy?

What happens when I get to the end

And realize that I haven’t done anything,

Anything to make myself happy.

Realize that everything that I’ve done,

Was to try to make others happy,

Even if it meant constantly feeling

Almost as if I wasn’t truly living?

That’s what living with depression is like.

Living while not truly living.

Living to try to make others happy,

But feeling like you are failing,

Feeling as if everything is turning into

A bigger mess than what it was before.

Feeling like people are disliking you

More and More as time goes on.

It’s not fun, and it’s not fair.

It’s not worth trying

To make others happy

If all that ends up happening

Is feeling worse about myself.

If all that happens

Is me tearing myself down,

Finding everything to be negative,

To try to change myself,

Change to be a person who

Fulfills the way others think

That I should be

Instead of the person

That God calls me to be.

I will overcome this.

It will just take time.