Posting something like this online, especially now, is very intimidating and something I really struggled to find the courage to express. I strongly dislike the idea of trying to talk about something that's important to you, especially as a racial, gender, or sexual orientation minority, as a ploy to "get attention" or "cause a scene". To those who fit in categories of the majority, I think there's a silent expectation for those who do fit minority categories to not talk about the oppression or societal struggles they face because it causes them discomfort. I feel guilty because I have not been very involved on campus or in other aspects of my life in LGBTQ organizations that I feel I should be a part of- especially as an athlete and a straight passing individual.

There's an expectation, especially among feminine, queer (I use queer as a term to encompass all aspects of non-heterosexuality) women to express themselves in a way that is straight passing. I often make choices on the clothes I wear or the things that I say to others that reflect my comfort with my sexual orientation and gender expression, but also allow me to blend in with the people around me. I always feel that when I mention queer culture or decide to dress in a more masculine manner, people around me are subtly uncomfortable. This is the difference between our generation and generations before us- it's very rare that you will hear people state that they are homophobic (or similarly, racist). Despite this denial of homophobic tendencies, there's a very subtle social discomfort surrounding queer individuals and their expression of their sexual orientation while in the presence of straight individuals. The more you stray from the heteronormative expectations associated with your sex, the more uncomfortable people tend to be. I've always been very aware of this, especially because I am a queer athlete and have had to reveal my sexual orientation to my teammates in both high school and college. Coming to college was especially tough, because I was completely unaware of how my teammates would react to me not being heterosexual. I think the process of "coming out" is such a dated concept, and I find it terribly unnecessary. For me, simply stating that I was dating or seeing other women, without providing other explanations, was enough.

Of course, I was met with supportive statements, ones all queer people have heard before. Combinations of the infamous statement, "Our generation is so accepting, everyone loves gay people!" were thrown in my direction whenever I expressed caution in my "coming out" process. While this is comforting at face value, what most people don't understand is the difference between how people are supposed to feel about homosexuality and how they actually feel about it, even if they wish they didn't. In summary, what people say in terms of support and comfort around queer individuals and what actions they perform that reflect that comfort are often two very different things. The same thing applies to today's concepts of racism, and how most people you meet understand that the concept of treating people differently based on the color of their skin is wrong, but those same people will commit racist acts both consciously and unconsciously.

The unfortunate conclusion I've come to is that homophobic tendencies in straight conversation and interaction are exactly the same. The amount of times I've heard players on my club field hockey teams talk about how "dykey" another team's uniforms are is immeasurable. When girls express their concerns with cutting their hair, the discussion usually includes a statement like, "I would cut my hair, but I'm afraid I'd look gay." While it seems minor, it's the subtle implications of homophobia, or a general association of "gay" with "bad", that I believe stick with queer people the most. I've never been called a homophobic slur (to my face), but that doesn't stop me from thinking back on all of the subtle mentions of homophobia I've encountered and allowing them to dictate my comfort with my own sexual orientation. Could I talk about girls I was seeing out loud and not have the room get stiff? Play a collegiate sport, would I have to avoid eye contact in the locker room and showers so my teammates wouldn't assume I was checking them out? Could I talk about my parents, who are also lesbians, without making people uncomfortable? These thoughts were and are still constantly in my head as I interact with my straight peers. Despite my confidence in my sexuality, I think others don't understand the insecurities I feel on a daily basis living in a heteronormative world.