A Day In The Shoes Of Someone With G.A.D.

The Morning List:

Wake up at 4 AM

4:00-4:10 Brush teeth, Wash face, Throw on make-up: Mascara, Matte Lip Stick.

4:10-4:20 Get dressed: Neutral Colors, Apron, Hat, leather shoes.

4:20-4:35 Eat breakfast.

4:40 Power walk to work.

5:00 Punch into work.

The Bread Winner List:

12:00 PM Clock out, Speed walk home.

12:15 (The latest I may arrive home from speed walking) Get in the shower

12:30 Get out of the shower.

12:30-12:40 Get dressed for Second Job

12:40 Eat SOMETHING

1:00 Leave for Work

2:00 Clock in

5:30 Clock out

5:45 Be on a Train

6:00 Get on a Bus

6:55 Arrive to class

8:45 Get to the bus before it leaves according to MTA BUS TIME

Study notes while on the bus

9:30 Arrive home,

Good Night List: (Get done before Midnight)

Pack snacks for next day,

Arrange Clothing for next day

Arrange Bag for the next day duties

Clean your room

Wash the Dishes

Shower again and Brush teeth (Usually done at the same time)

The Positive Thoughts List:

Stop worrying about the future.

Make today, and each moment count and in practice will make the future count.

Focus on being on time, being early, being efficient.

Learn from others mistakes.

Forgive yourself for all the mistakes and embarrassing things you have said and done. They no longer define you. They don't define you. What you do, and how you react now defines you.

Forgive others for hurting you, forgive them, stop thinking about what you want to say to them. Let them go, and pray for their peace.

Don't worry about money, don't worry about the statistic that families in poverty mean's most likely the children will live in poverty.

You have more opportunities than your parents, find them and take them.

Having GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and Dyslexia: makes life a little harder but my mother raised me to believe that these two parts of me do not exist. She never told me how to tame them.

The repeated unwanted thoughts, the fear, the pounding heart beats, the traumatizing memories reoccurring over and over. The constant fear I have every day of feeling incompetent every day, feeling like I am losing control over everything; my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts, my capabilities, my talents, my strengths. The hardest part of all is taking care of myself and falling into self-helplessness.

I make about 4 lists or more a day. The lists vary on priority, on duties, on responsibilities to do throughout the week, ideas and passions to pursue, what food to eat, what needs to be done at a certain time, what has not been done that should be done. Basically, any thoughts that rush in my mind that I believe I must do in order to be competent, to be happy, to be successful, to be in control.

The list making brings a rush of serenity over me because I am taking the first step by acknowledging my fears and organizing my incompetence to become competent.

The next step is to actually do everything on the lists. Now, sometimes I skip a thing or two and I swear I would not be able to fall asleep until everything on the lists got done. Sometimes I would not sleep till 2-3 am and become sleep deprived which caused more anxiety, forgetfulness, and incompetence. Which causes me to stress out, lash out, and eventually have a panic attack.

It becomes hard to take care of myself because by making these lists, by trying to be the person I strive to be I believe I am taking care of myself. It's a transparent illusion. All I want to do is be organized, neat, adequate, empowered, compassionate, caring, listening, hard working, successful, work two jobs, go to school over time to be become an artist, neurologist, psychologist, public education administrator, astronomer, inventor, keynote speaker, human rights and legal advocate lawyer, join the Peace Corps, end world hunger, reverse climate change, help the homeless find homes and normal lives, end capitalism, inspire others, be a writer, journalist, professor, and travel the world. Maybe if I have time and if being a woman still isn't an issue, I can become President too.

Yes, yes. I know how crazy and impossible that all sounds. I want to do too much and do it well. I have recently finally understood that taking care of myself comes first, and I have to focus on one or a few at most goals in order to get them done adequately, professionally, and efficiently. However, being ambitious is part of who I am, just like having a so called "disorder" is part of who I am. I see them as gifts.

The Gift of having GAD:

The rush of my thoughts, heart beat, and uncontrollable nervous ticks become my superpower when it comes to needing to get a task done. Working at Starbucks, when my anxiety is at its highest to not mess up and be "perfect." I start doing customer support, cleaning, making drinks, refilling ice, re-stocking, anything that I see needs to be done.

When forgetting I have a paper and needing to get it done the night before, I type faster with 5 fingers (2 on the Left and 3 on the right) than someone with ten fingers. (Or so I think so, I'd have to compete with someone to test this theory).

Always seeing things in a different, new, innovated, perspective. It may take me longer than it should to figure out and make sure what my right and lefts are. Or figure out a math problem/equations in different ways.

I encode differently, explain, and vision things in a way where it makes sense to me, and I can get the same work done as the person next to me but in my own way. It gives me a different way of approaching things.

The only thing that stops me and starts me is my fear. I use to be fearless at one point, but after a while, they started to catch up to me. My greatest fear is not reaching my furthest potential and having my fears hold me back.

Which I have taken the time to be alone with myself. To be my own best friend, and take care of myself. How can I become President if I don't?