When most people look at me, the first thing they notice about me is probably my blonde hair. They might also notice my tutu or sparkly clothes. One day I could be feeling totally feminine and wear all pink and glitter, the next day I could be feeling totally badass and wear all black and heavy eyeliner. I'm either girly and pink or punk, it's hard to mix the two, it all depends on my mood.
A lot of people have likely gone through the emo phase, with the angsty lyrics, the symmetrical hair cut, and of course, the MySpace obsession. Ah, good times. But I still haven't quite let go of this so-called "phase."
Back in 2008, I started my freshman year of high school and that's when I entered my emo phase. I became so fascinated by edgy rock music. I wanted to be just like Amy Lee, I wanted to be the blonde Amy Lee. I wanted to marry Pete Wentz (I still kind of do, teehee), marry a rockstar (still hasn't changed), I wanted to stand out, which is typical of a teenager, wanting to be different from their peers, and that was my main agenda. I started wearing fingerless gloves and wearing makeup nearly everyday (even though I was terrible at it, and disliked eyeliner at the time).
I was very uncomfortable in my skin: I had braces, acne, bangs, my body started shaping, and body hair. It was an awkward time and I constantly felt ugly, so I embraced change as a way to feel comfortable somehow. I wore flashy clothes, anything to make me stand out from the crowd. Well it worked, as people noticed me, and I got both positive and negative reactions. The negativity only fueled my desire and angst.
Since starting college in Farmington in 2013, I was known as "Tutu Girl", as I was the only one wearing a tutu and strangers referred to me as that, and I can't complain, I love it.
I didn't start wearing tutu's until junior year of high school. I still have my first one, a black one I got at Claire's. At this point I was so deep into alternative rock and learning to like eyeliner. My go-to albums were Evanescence's Fallen and The Open Door, Shinedown's The Sound of Madness, and Three Days Grace's One-X. I openly disliked rap, country and manufactured pop music and was proud of it.
2008. Pink and black fingerless gloves. The first step in my change.
Though my music taste, fondness for depressing lyrics, and general angst towards the norm fit the criteria of an emo kid, one thing stood out: my straight, plain blonde hair. I've been blonde my entire life and I've always been attached to my natural color: it's part of who I am and made me stand out amongst my brunette friends. I dreamed of dying my hair black but whenever I tried to make it happen, I always chickened out, because I knew I would miss my blonde locks.
It wasn't until senior year, a year later, I put purple in my hair, the first time I ever put any non-blonde color in my hair. It felt great, I felt free, liberated. Blue graced my tips (only to be washed out a day later), teal streaks, and pink tips would later appear in my hair. If I wasn't so awkward and such a scaredy cat to take risks, I would've went nuts with the dyes in high school, the things you later embrace in adult life.
2010. Rawr.
It's now 2017, ten years after 2007, "the year of egos", and looking at old pictures and Buzzfeed posts of such times only makes me smile, not cringe. Since being more exposed to rock and alternative music, my inner emo has come out swinging once again. When I listen to Hinder or My Chemical Romance, I get the urge to stage dive and wear black lipstick. But I guess that's what music does, it makes you feel alive.
Whether or not my hair is blonde, or some other color, I can't let labels and stereotypes define me. If people see me as emo, cool, if they don't see me as emo, cool, I just like being part of that world, whether my hair or pink clothes define me or not. I will always have a special place in my heart for my emo/punk bands and who knows, maybe I'll marry an emo prince one day.
