Lately, life hasn't been easy. I am that type of person that feels all pain but chooses to push it away because I don't like to accept the fact that i'm simply not okay all the time. Recently, I've been struggling and I usually do because of the holidays coming up, the emotions and memories of my dad overflow into my brain causing me to become a straight mess. If your reading this and think, oh your just a 22 year old girl, you'll get over it and everything in your life to you is minor right now. Trust me, that's not the case, well fully.
I've grown up fast, i'm not your "typical" 22 year old girl. I had no choice but to grow up when I was 16 but, that's okay because I've experienced real life challenges and I've seen life taken from someone I care about because of something they can't control. I've felt the whole world be against me, I've lost friends that I thought were lifelong, I've been dumped, I've quit jobs because of how they affected me mentally, I've screamed and yelled at the world because I don't think it's fair that people you care about are taken from you for no freaking reason!! Yet, I'm still here.
I've realized over the years that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to scream and yell. It's okay to break down and cry at your desk when you just can't take the thoughts running through your mind, it's okay to laugh when you're going through the roughest time of your life. It's okay to be mad and frustrated at yourself. It's okay to forget the past if you want to move on. It's okay to be negative sometimes. No one is happy all the time!! You aren't alone! I am right here with you.
Our society is terrified to admit that they need help, that they need people to lift them, but were so afraid to admit to people that were hurting, so instead we do the worst thing possible, we block the pain out and we put that fake smile on. I am SO guilty of this. I hate feeling pain, I hate feeling weak, I hate the fact that I'm writing this instead of just screaming at the top of my lungs that i'm hurting, but i love the fact that whoever reads this, just might need to hear these next words.
Whether or not you have been through a traumatic event in your life, you just got dumped, you just lost your job, you parted ways with a friend that meant the world to you, you got in a fight with your significant other, or you just don't feel seen in this crazy world, PLEASE JUST FEEL THE PAIN. You aren't always going to have these days where you want to crawl in bed and never come out but PLEASE have those days. Do it for yourself. I have pushed away pain for the past two years and I have faked those smiles but guess what here I am. I am emotional writing to hopefully reach some stranger that might need to read this to not feel alone. Accept the fact that life is freaking hard and your simply doing the best you can.
I struggle and fight the fact to accept everyday that I don't get to call my dad or see him everyday. I fight the fact that I argue with people I care about. I fight the fact that I simply care about people way to much no matter how much pain they may have caused me. I fight the fact to put myself first. I fight the fact to make everyone else happy, instead of looking in the mirror. I fight the fact that I am not perfect. I fight the fact that world throws things in my life that I simply can't control. But, guess what? IT'S OKAY!
So to all the people that feel alone, I want you to know that I am emotional wreck that cries often, laughs often, will get mad for the dumbest reasons because I care to much, I have had the best days, I have had the worst days, I wonder why the world is against me, I feel alone, I hate the way I look sometimes, but I also love myself for everything I have gone through. I have stayed in bed for days because I don't want to deal with the world, I have lost someone who means everything and more to me, I have lost myself time after time, but I have found myself stronger from opening up and feeling the pain the world has challenged me to, and I am still here so please, feel the hurt, don't ignore it and do whatever you can to see the light at the end of the tunnel, because I promise there is a reason for your hurt, you just have to be patient.
I cried 5 minutes before this picture was taken!!