Life doesn't get better. It just doesn't.
I struggled for three years. I hated the way I looked, the way I acted, and how (I assumed) people thought of me. I didn't want to live anymore. For three years, I was in and out of treatment. Different hospitals, different therapists, different schools, everything in the book and more. And every place told me the same damn thing, it gets better.
The "it gets better" logic is pure bullshit. "It", referring to life itself, does not get better. You will go through your entire life and nothing will change. People will still be mean, selfish, and unapologetic. Tragedies will occur, disaster will happen. Life does not get better, it will continue down its lousy path.
But of course, I was sick when they told me these things. So, I accepted this "it gets better" as the truth. It gave me false hope, and so I seemed happier. Unfortunately, every time I was discharged from a hospital, life hit me again. I was soon reminded that the world is cruel. Strangers are jerks, things are hard. I fell back into old habits, and ultimately wound up back in a hospital.
It wasn't until after the third hospitalization that things changed a bit. I was hospitalized for two weeks, and sent away to a residential center, where I stayed for two months. Over this period of time, I heard the same things that I had been told for the last three years. The same old "it gets better" bullshit. But of course, it had the same magic effect on me, and I continued to believe that life indeed gets better.
When I was in a meeting to talk about my discharge from the residential unit, the staff mentioned to my parents that they believed putting me right back into my public school was not the best idea, and that I should ease into it by starting off at a therapeutic day school. I was not pleased. I had no intention of spending any more time away from my high school, because the more time I was gone, the more questions people would have for me when I returned. But of course, it was not my decision to make. I wasn't even seventeen yet, the choice was in my parents hands. And thank goodness I ended up going to the therapeutic day school, because that school saved my life.
I was bitter. I did not want to spend time in this school. I should have been back at my public school, spending time in classes with familiar faces, but instead I was stuck here. I had already been out of my public high school for three months, and it was going to be at least another two before I was able to return. Then one day, I broke. I had a complete meltdown in class. I was stressed, sad, and overwhelmed.
My teacher took me out into the hall to help me to calm down. While I was talking to her, I mentioned that I knew it would eventually get better, but it just wasn't happening yet, and I was fed up. This is when she told me the truth. She let me know that life does not get better. Life will continue to be terrible in all of the ways that it is right now. She told me that I cannot expect life to change around me, because that will only make my recovery harder. In order to succeed, I had to change myself. Instead of waiting for things to get better, I needed to get better. Smile in hard situations,
Her words saved me. I began to make changes. Of course, I'm not perfect, and I never will be. But I'll always continue to improve. Because you see, life isn't what is getting better. I'm getting better. I'm growing, I'm learning, I'm accepting things as they are. I'm finding the positive things in negative situations, and surrounding myself with people who I care about and who care about me. I did not put in the effort to improve myself when I believed life would do it for me. Thanks to that wonderful teacher I had two years ago, I now know the truth.
I know that if I smile more when I'm sad, if I focus on maintaining my relationships with family and friends, and I truly begin to love myself as I am and not what I assume I should be, I won't be sad anymore. This whole thing started my freshman year of high school. I'm so happy to say that I'm now a freshman in college, and it's been two years since my last hospitalization. I have changed the way I live, and I couldn't be happier. I love myself.
Life does not get better.
But you will, stay strong and work hard.
