I do not want to write. I do not want to type. I do not want to experience the frustration that comes with each blurred line on this over lit screen.

But I want to write. I want to say something, something that will connect to someone. I want to.

So here I am in the in between. Annoyed by my own doing and undoing. Attempting but never succeeding. Always wanting wanting wanting but never giving to myself. I am thirsty for life but it hasn’t come knocking on my door yet. So I’ll wait for it. Right here in my bed, in another man’s blanket, waiting for life to find its way to my doorstep.

This sucks. This waiting game. It sucks! Why is it so hard for me to just be and do? Everyone else be’s and does. Or do they?

I’ll type now. I’ll second guess everything and overthink at the same time. But at least I’m typing right?

How is it that I already know what’s happening before it really happens but I don’t stop it from happening?! I see myself getting stuck. Stuck exactly where I am. In this spot. Forever. I do not want to be trapped here. I want a key. One that allows me to open the door and return any time I like. But here I cannot be trapped.

I’ve learned in time that our lives are a series of choices. I’ve heard the applauses and the boos of those choices. I’ve danced in the feeling of both. But at least I made a choice. Our choices are us. We are them. There is no fine line. We do what we do because we choose to. I, at the moment have chosen repetition. You might not like a repetitive fluke spitting at you the value of what you do but that’s okay you’ve got the choice to look away and never give these words a second thought. So make your choice.

I chose not to go to college. If I look at my life right now, the way it is, that is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. But in my reality it isn’t. Nothing is sure or true. That is what makes this scary. The fact that I might have to struggle and fend for me is exciting. But it scares me. Fear is an overrated, over exaggerated function of our silly human brains. Fear is the most unreal thing we know. So why do we live by it?

I would, right now, hop a plane to Los Angeles if I wasn’t afraid of the outcome. I want to. I should. I think about it every day. But along with those thoughts are the backlash from that choice. I have no money, where would I live? I don’t think I’d be good at homeless. I’ve never learned how to REALLY survive in this world like some people have to. But hopefully soon. How about my family? They wouldn’t feel too nice, they’d miss me, beyond that they would fear for me. Our choices affect the world around us. We can’t just do as we please even if we need to.

I made a choice to save my friends lives. That choice cost me a car. But it’s only metal. The real damage is in my plans. However, what other choices did I make that lead up to the end? If I didn’t make those choices could I have had five safe friends and my metal?

If I had the choice, I’d keep it the way it is. Good thing it’s already like that. It only brought me closer to my friends and gave me the chance to challenge my rooftop plans, so I could jump off and try again.

Don’t forget the parachute this time.

Choices man. Choices.