Anyone who knows me, knows I'm the life of the crowd. I'm always the loudest, the first one to crack a joke and the one who's not afraid to just go all out. Little do most people know, I'm full of social anxiety. I call myself the "extroverted introvert," better known as an "ambivert."
No one would ever know my inner fears based on the way I portray myself. I'm crazy! I seem like the girl with no fears, willing to meet anyone and go anywhere. But honestly, it's hard for me to even take the trash out to the trash room in the downstairs of my building without a friend coming with me. I know part of it stems from self-consciousness, thinking people are judging the way I look, or what I'm doing. But it's irrational. And I know a lot of people feel the same and go through the same things I do. It's funny how with a group of friends, I'm the life of the party, but alone, I'm like a kindergartener leaving her mom on the first day of school.
One of the hardest things for me is making phone calls. Why? I couldn't tell you. The idea of speaking to someone I cannot see, who cannot see me, scares the living Jesus out of me. I won't do it. I have no problem making a call to someone I know, like a friend or family member, but if it's the pizza delivery guy calling, I practically curl into a ball and will absolutely not answer (special thanks to my roommates for always calling to order pizza and Chinese, you're lifesavers).
Another thing I 100 percent will not do is go to a public place of service alone. Fast food restaurant? No. Shopping mall? Never. Even a drive thru! I will not do it. I don't know if my brain thinks that people will judge me and think I have no friends to accompany me or what, but it is literally my biggest fear. Especially food services. Even my college dining hall! I will drag anyone willing to come with me, even if it's just to grab a banana to take to-go. Yet when I go anywhere with friends, whether it be the dining hall or shopping mall, I'm a social butterfly and will talk to anyone and act in an extra wild manner. What is it about having company that assures my anxiety? Maybe the emotional support? Who knows.
I always put on a welcoming smile and act like I belong, while inside I feel like my heart is about to explode out of my chest. Social anxiety is so real, even for those who seem to be so outgoing. I've always been a chatterbox; the class clown since pre-K. But the strangest situations make me want to never leave bed. I know so many people can relate, so here's a quote that will help: "If you want to conquer fear, don't sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy." -Dale Carnegie
