Depression is something that has become a bigger and bigger problem. Fortunately, the topic has gotten more attention the past few years and it has become a little bit easier to talk about it. The world has given more and more support to those who suffer from mental illnesses. It’s awesome, but it’s really hard for a lot of people to fully understand what it’s like.
Today marks a full year since my suicide attempt. The details are irrelevant. I’m not writing about it to tell you the story of me and how I ended up to the place where I was a year ago. I’m writing to tell you what it’s like after the suicide attempt. So, it has been a year since I was in the darkest place of my life. It has been a year since I was sitting on the bathroom floor certain that was going to be the place I’ll leave this world. It has been a year since I was diagnosed with X, Y, and Z. All of that happened only 365 days ago and if you could see me now, you wouldn’t be able to recognize my personality. I got all the help I needed and I had a really solid support system with my time in the hospital and a few weeks after. I needed a little bit of help getting back on my feet. So that’s what I got. I learned a lot of coping mechanisms and I started to talk about things that have been bothering me for years. Things really started to look like it was only going to go up from there. I thought I was invincible. But what no one told me was how hard it was going to be. That attempt really was the turning point of this time of my life. It had affected so many relationships and decisions. So many people were disappointed in me and others were just so happy I was OK. With all of the change that was going on it was really hard to keep up. I went on for a few weeks thinking that I had depression and other things all under control and I wasn’t going to struggle anymore. I thought I would never do it again, but I was so wrong. Even though I thought I was OK and I said I wouldn’t do it again, I did. I attempted suicide for the last time in August of 2015. Then I had to go through the long and enduring process again. The second time I tried, I thought I was weak. I thought to myself that I was never going to get better. I was so frustrated with myself because I thought I was supposed to be better and I wasn’t. There was an amount of time when I thought that I thought this is how my life was just going to be. I thought I was going to just go through this endless roundabout of “getting better” and “failing.”
In this five month period of hitting rock bottom, I learned something really important. I learned that I was going to fail a lot and that it’s not always going to be easy. The road to recovery isn’t just a week process staying in a hospital with therapy groups. It isn’t just taking your prescription (even though, it’s still really important). It isn’t getting back home and trying to go back to the life you left for a few days. It is a process. Recovery is going to be much longer than that and sometimes people are going to feel like they are in the same place they were before. I want you to know, you are not weak. You are not a bother. You are getting help and that is the most brave thing a person can do. Being able to open up to complete strangers is no easy task and being able to know when enough is enough is the most amazing thing you can do for yourself. Don’t think you are a failure for messing up every once in awhile. It takes time to recover and that it OK.
So, what the whole point of this is that recovery isn’t easy. It is not a one to two week program you are in. It is not the consultation with a psychologist. It is not finally going home to see your friends and family. It is a process that sticks with you for a really, really long time. It is going to be a trying experience and if you have enough willpower to take control of it and work towards it, then you will be able to move mountains.
