I still think of you every now and then. I still wonder what you’re up to, if you ever got that job you wanted so badly, if you ever got away from your asshole parents, if you ever overcame your anxiety. You were special to me back then, and you always will be.

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t love at first sight. We were young when we first met, and when I first laid eyes on you, I knew there was something special about you that separated you from all the other guys in school. After a few encounters here and there, we became best friends. I trusted you with all my secrets, and you trusted me with all of yours. We would spend hours upon hours hanging out after school, walking to the park or watching tv or just talking. You brought out all the happiness inside of me and my heart always felt like it was pounding out of my chest when I would see you walking towards me. Eventually we confessed our feelings for each other and started dating.

I remember how you first kissed me in the rain and how awkward it was because you accidentally kissed my chin. I remember how I spent over four hours getting ready for the winter dance, but you still stood there waiting patiently for me. I remember how you rushed over to my house on Christmas Eve and I looked like a mess because I had been cleaning all day, but you still insisted I was beautiful. You gave me my presents and worried that I wouldn’t like them, but I loved them all. Do you still remember?

After a while you got sick of me, or maybe we got sick of each other. We spent most of our time fighting over nonsense, and you turned into an entirely new person. I thought more time together would fix our shattered relationship, but you avoided it. Sooner than later, you broke up with me...over text. I remember feeling numb as I read through those thirty-something messages, and I wondered (hoped) that this was some kind of cruel, sick joke. I knew that our relationship wasn’t perfect, but you promised we would be together and I believed you and trusted that you would rather work on our relationship than break a promise. Then, the tears came, and they flooded my eyes and sank my heart. I don’t think I stopped crying that night, as I read through those messages and asked myself why this was happening? I asked you, but you only apologized and never gave me an explanation. At some point, I turned my phone off and laid in bed; I swear I could actually feel my heart breaking. Eventually, I fell asleep around four in the morning.

The weeks after our breakup were insufferable for me. I went through the motions, tried my best to look happy, and ignored every sleazy guy that hit on me. I kept telling myself that this was only temporary; you’d be back by my side after spring break. But you never came back. You moved on quickly, a bit too quickly if you ask me.

You checked up on me throughout those months, but you lost all of my trust. The memories of us that once made me smile brought tears to my eyes and left me feeling empty inside. After a while life got easier, and eventually I felt happier, though I was still broken. We kept in touch, but you would sneak to see me because your girlfriend didn’t like me, and let’s face it, I didn’t like her, either. I never thought it was right, but I couldn’t stand having you out of my life, even if you were just a friend. I loved you too much to lose you completely. Every now and then, it seemed like you still liked me, I could see it in your eyes and I could read it on your lips, but you never tried anything, and I respected that.

Months went by, and right before my prom, you two mysteriously broke up. I was so overcome with emotion and I was so happy because I felt like we had a chance to pick up the broken pieces of our relationship. Once again, we spent the entire summer together, and it felt just like the good old days when we used to spend hours together after school. I couldn’t believe it was happening again, and this time, I hoped, it would turn out better. July turned into August and August turned into September, and soon it was time for me to start college. I was going to college locally, so I thought that wouldn’t change our relationship, but it did. As Midterms approached, you changed. You became clingy and argued with me when I couldn’t spend time with you because I was working on a final project. You grew bitter and harassed me, calling my phone twenty times in a row and waking me up in the middle of the night just to “see how things were goin’.” As Christmas approached, things got even worse. You called me more, told me off more, and eventually started showing up to my door when I wouldn’t answer. I became afraid of you, and eventually my father had to step in to put an end to things. You stopped showing up at my house, but I would wake up to love letters sent via text message and even though they were sweet and thoughtful, you were acting scary still. I started to ignore the messages, and eventually they stopped and we moved on with our lives. We only heard about each other through mutual friends every now and then. This time our relationship took a toll on my mind and heart. I became depressed for a couple months and life didn’t seem so vivid to me anymore. However, through the help of friends and writing, I pushed through my depression and something wonderful happened.

As the first signs of Spring approached, I met a guy but he’s not just any guy. This guy is different from the other guys, but more importantly, he’s different from you. We still have great memories, but he pushes me. He encourages me to try new things, go to places I’ve never been before, and I love it. He’s not only my boyfriend, but he’s my best friend. He doesn’t just give up on me when we have an argument; he actually tries to work things out. He cares about me like you did, but even more.

So I thank you. I thank you for teaching me how a guy should and shouldn’t treat me. Thank you for breaking my heart because if you hadn’t, I would’ve never met such a wonderful guy. I wouldn’t have gone out of the country, I wouldn’t have tried lobster for the first time, I wouldn’t have shared a love like this. You taught me important life lessons and showed me that even the people you love the most can still hurt you. I will never forget about you. I still care about you. After all, you will always have a spot in my heart, but I would never want to get back together with you. I would never want to go through the drama and heartbreak again for you. Once was rough, but twice was enough. We might’ve been right for each other at one point, but never again. However, I don’t hold anything against you, even if this letter sounds aggressive. I hope that you straighten your life out and I hope that you find happiness someday. So my first love, thank you for all of the memories, but more importantly, thank you for all of the lessons.