Dear Best Friend,
It’s been a few months since we tried talking last. Tried to fix things last. Tried to be friends again last. And although I may seem fine, like nothing is wrong at all, I’m not. I’ve spent countless hours trying to find the right way to patch together the friendship I myself tore apart, but nothing I’ve come up with has ever seemed to be good enough to have you call me your friend again. It makes me miserable to think about that.
It's strange to think about how it happened. Just months ago, we were best friends. We told each other everything, had each other's backs, had our own inside jokes and stories of adventures we'd shared together. All of a sudden, that was gone. It hurts me to think that, and it truly hurts me to say that it was solely my fault. I was the one that pushed us apart, and I regret how things turned out every day.
We were changing, growing up. I was headed to a university and was commissioning in the Air Force after college. You were staying at home and then transferring to a university after a few years. I think at the time, I thought that growing up meant growing apart. We were headed for different paths and different lifestyles, and things just weren't mean to be. But I realize now, after all this time, it only meant that because I chose that.
We didn't have to grow apart. After all, our differences were what balanced us so well. We had fairly different personalities — you were much funnier than me, and more personable and relatable. I always had to be the mom and take things seriously. I miss that. I miss us. I miss going out to lunch, staying up late watching movies and talking about anything and everything, spending one night at your house and the next at mine. I miss taking goofy selfies with you. I miss how much you love "Captain America" and "Grey's Anatomy." I miss our late night runs to get dessert just because we wanted to.
In missing all of that, I keep finding that the more I think of it, the more it hurts, because I was the one that made that all go away. I stopped reaching out. I didn't try to connect with you when I was away at school. I didn't reach out to you when I needed help. I didn't call you when I had great news about my life or needed a shoulder to cry on. I didn't know how your life was going, besides your occasional post on social media. I was missing out on my best friend's life, and I had cut her out of mine.
I truly want to apologize for hurting you and pushing you away. It's a decision I've had to live with that hurts me every day. I miss you dearly. You don't have to accept my apology. You don't even have to read it if you don't want to. But I want you to know I'm here. I tore us apart, and I want to be able to put us back together again. It won't be the same as before, and I understand that. But I am here for you if you need anything, and I truly am sorry for what happened.
Love,
Becca
