Have you ever done something that turned out completely opposite from what you expected? I mean the complete other side of the solar system, something that can't just get fixed with a sorry? Yeah, me too. And it sucks.
It sucks because of the people involved and exactly how you messed up. Something when you think everything in your life is finally all adding together and you can almost see the light ahead of the confusion at the end of the tunnel. And then slipping back down the tunnel.
That happened to me recently. Well, nothing happened to me. I'm the one who did something that ended up messing up someone's life up forever. It sucks. You go around every day reliving the moment, wondering where you had an opportunity to change the outcome or do something differently and maybe, just maybe things would be different. Wishing that the sorry you say could erase everything and fix all of the wounds. As time goes on, you learn that doesn't happen, and it never will. There's no such thing as time travel or do-overs. It happened and you can't change it no matter how hard you try.
You will never have the opportunity to relive that moment except in your head. And what good does that do? It does nothing but harm you and your mental stability.
Everything in this life happens for a reason. We may not know it now, but someday it will be like a little light bulb in your head that just goes off. It will make complete sense, but, until that day, reminiscing does nothing. I'm not saying throw the thing completely out the window and don't think about it, but don't always think about it. Try not to let it be the first thing you think about when things start to go wrong again. Or be your reason to not do things and then sit in your room thinking about everything you wish you could do over.
Trust me that is the hardest thing to do. It never gets easier, if anything it gets harder. Harder in the sense that you have to realize and come to terms with the fact that it happened and there's nothing you can do to change it. If you're still getting blamed for it, stop listening. Stop listening to that little voice in your head telling you that everything you do is wrong or that you shouldn't be having fun because of it.
This sounds like one big self-help letter and maybe that's what it should sound like. Hopefully it will help someone, or even both of the two involved. But overall stop blaming yourself, which sounds easy, but it's not. Only time will help, which seems like it will never come. But what I'm looking forward to is the time that it does.
