To the man who assaulted me,
I always knew in life we would be faced with agony and torment. Unfortunately, it comes to us through love, heartbreak, family, strangers, and occasionally ourselves. Distress can break heroes, it can break villains. And last year, a stranger broke me.
You, a stranger, BROKE me but somehow are the only person I felt I knew. I will forever know your voice, your breathing patterns, your touch, your eyes. I will forever see you in my deepest nightmares and in the face of those who touch my skin. I will forever be afraid of my own worth. You told me it was my own fault and that I did it to myself. Although, I now know I didn't. I second guess myself every time I feel hurt. Every time a tear falls from my eye, my first reaction is to tell myself I deserved it.
You sexually assaulted me, raped me. You stripped me of my identity, my life. I lost everything I was and everything I wanted to be. All of the sudden my job of working at the happiest place on Earth, became hell. My home became a prison and all my loved ones became strangers.
I was depressed and could no longer feel pain or happiness because I simply didn't want to. You forced me to cut off my emotions and I would lay in bed begging for death. I would fake smiles and fake tears because truthfully, I wasn't happy or sad, I was just numb. But as soon as I would consider my life coming to a stop, thinking life is over and that I should spare myself from any more pain - all of my feelings would come back. It would feel like I was standing in the bitter cold, unable to see anything due to the darkness, and then when I least expected it, a bright light would start flying towards me. It wouldn't be a happy thought, or a feeling of love but instead it was like a trains light warning me of the pain that was about to destroy my very being. It was you.
Pain. Numb. Pain. Numb. Pain. Numb.
I went through this vicious cycle for months, every day experiencing it for what seemed like a thousand times. Although, I do not feel this every day like I did, it's now every few days. Then it will be every few weeks, months but it will never completely go away. You have cursed me in that I will always have those moments.
I had love in my life, I had joy, I just was in too dark of a place to see it. It took me almost a year before that train light coming at me was no longer you but a sign of acknowledging happiness. It seemed to whisper, "Don't be afraid, all that matters, is where you go from here, to live for today, and find who you now are."
I stopped mourning who I had been, what had happened and started rejoicing for who I now was.
I am wounded,
I am enduring pain,
I am a victim,
BUT
I am covered in scars that make me stronger,
I am finding joy in the simple things,
I am a survivor.
I am only okay but compared to how I have felt - okay is wonderful.
But one day you will experience the agony and torment of life.
You will be wounded too, you will endure pain, you will be a victim BUT I will not laugh, unlike you, I will not smirk, unlike you, I will pity you, for I know how much those experiences change you.
When you are up for days on end, when you are going through depression and anxiety, know you caused me those same feelings.
When you hurt, know you caused me to hurt too..
My only wish in life is that you don't destroy anyone like the way you destroyed me. And I hope whatever pain you have that encouraged you to do this, goes away.
National Sexual Assault Hotline : 1-800-656-4673
