Dear "Dad,"

I need to know why I wasn't worth the fight. I need to know why you only cared when it meant you could control and manipulate me. I need to know why you didn't love me as much as her. I need to know what she did to become your favorite. I need to know why you put everything and everyone before your first born.

Growing up with you as my father has brought on a lot of insecurities within me. I question every day if I need to wear makeup because I think back to that one time that you told me I should. I enter a relationship wondering how this guy could possibly like me, let alone love me if you weren't capable of doing the same thing. I don't know how a guy is supposed to treat me because you didn't really tell me or set a good example for me.

I've tried to give you many chances to fight for me but you never did. I tried to like the things that you liked just so we'd have something to talk about and bond over. I can't tell you how many times I've seen "Goodfellas" and "Casino" just because you liked them. I recently tried to bond and build a relationship with you by getting you some "Star Wars" POP! figures. I gave you some of the extras I had and even spent money to get you certain ones you liked. Yet again, my efforts went unnoticed and didn't make a difference.

I don't even feel like your daughter and I haven't for quite some time. I feel like some piece of trash that you had no problem throwing away. I tried for so long to get close to you, but you didn't seem to want that. You wanted to drink with your friends every weekend instead of playing video games with me. You accused mom of trying to turn me against you on multiple occasions when I was younger, but you didn't need her help, you did it all on your own. You were always "too tired" after work to be bothered by me, watching the news seemed more important. When you and mom split for a year or so when I was younger because your drinking got out of hand, I don't recall you fighting to see me. You didn't make an effort to call to talk to me, you just didn't give a damn.

I think things would've been different if I knew you were completely incapable of giving me what every daughter needs from her father. I see the relationship that you have with my sister and I'll be honest it makes me sad to know that I wasn't enough. I was your first born, your relationship with me should have been stronger than your relationship with her. I constantly fought a losing battle for your attention. I'll be honest when you talk about your "daughter" not "daughters" it still makes me upset to this day because it's like I never even existed.

At one point I had a father who had played "Donkey Kong Country" with me and let me beat him at "Mario Kart Double Dash." I had a father that I thought would walk me down the aisle on my wedding day and a father that I'd get to share my father-daughter dance with. I try to remember the man that got me into "Halloween" but all I can see is the selfish person that wants nothing to do with me.

I want you to know that amongst all the pain you've caused me, you've allowed me to grow. I've learned more about the kind of person I want to be and how you're less of a father than I'd ever hope for my future children. You've given me a reason to never settle for less and strive to find the best person for me. You've shown me the type of person that I never want to have in my life again. I guess I should thank you for making me a stronger individual and helping me realize what I deserve in this life not only in a partner, but as the possible father of my children. You may have stolen memories of the past, altered my present, but you won't make any less of my future.

From,

The girl that questions her worth because of you