It’s been a while but when I about what happened, my feelings still attempt to betray me. Losing you hurt, but feeling stupid hurt more. Not because we were so alike, but because you were my platonic love. I sound like a girl who is strung up on you, huh? I mean, how can someone be that platonically attached, right?
That’s exactly it. That’s what made you so different to me.
Not having you here throughout the past few months was difficult. After a while, I decided to look passed it. The decision was easy, it was obvious but after a while, the wound although still raw as ever, the anger was slowly ebbing away.
You were probably the first person I messaged when I had news, good or bad because I felt that you were one of the very few persons who genuinely gave a damn. You were the only person who listened to me to my opinions on current events, various diseases, philosophies, the environment and all that other weird topics I come up with. Yes, I know they bore you, they bore all our friends but you listened to them anyway, you don’t know how much that mean to me. You were one of the few people who cared enough to reprimand me sternly when I lacked the discipline to do so, to put me in my place when you have to, to point out areas I should improve on. Sure, I was annoyed but in the long run, I’m very grateful.
Likewise, I listened to you, to the woes of your lonely heart. I tried to be there for you as much as much as I could, to do what I can to cheer you up because I really hated seeing you sad. You were always sad, you were a robot and I had always believed that deserve to be one. I nagged you despite your apparent irritation because I wanted to bring out your best, to take care of you, to five you what you deserve despite the little impact brought.
We spent a multitude of days sitting watching “Friends,” laughing, arguing, exchanging weird stories, meeting up with our other friends, meeting our friends’ friends, eating (even though you couldn’t even taste) and even just sitting in silence. These little things not only strengthened our friendship but defined it.
I don’t usually use the term “best friend,” and neither do you but you were definitely legions away from the rest of the pack. We had a unique friendship that perhaps only the two of us understood. In the vast sea of love we waded in the estuary that separated love and friendship. We were friends that spoke like lovers and we were perfectly content. Perhaps at one point there was an interest in crossing the border may have developed, but the current of romance was never strong enough. Others may have put malice in it but we never did or so I thought. At least, I never did.
I never wanted to lose you, I never thought I would. You were my first friend when I left for college. One I was so proud to have. In romance, you promise to each other eternity, you exchange rings, vows and all that happily ever after skit. In friendships, it’s implicit, you just assume the person would always be there, you’re more certain they’ll be there at your happily ever after. Romance has risks, friendship has security.
You might think if I long for you that much, if you meant that much, then why I don’t just message you, why I must complicate it. It’s not that simple. Yes, I obviously cared about you more than most. I could say you were my favorite.
I was there for you in your darkest time and you mine.
Truth is, there is no explanation or rather, and there is no acceptable one. I’ll never understand why we let ourselves walk away. We will meet again, we run in the same circles, as hostile as I want to be, I will never fully be over our friendship.
My concern and desire for you had been clouded by the confusion, sorrow and platonic love you and I shared, but it will always linger. It still breaks my almost nonexistent heart knowing I won’t be there to see it happen, to see you genuinely happy once again nor would I be there to help you or care for you because as much as it kills me, we could never go back to before.
So I hope you are reading this, and I hope you know it’s about you.
I will always be distrustful from what you did behind my back.
Best Wishes,
S.
P.S
I miss you. I'll always miss you.
