To My Less Loved Self,

Thank you.

I know, you probably weren’t expecting that -- I don’t think I was either. To be honest, you were a real jerk. But without you, I never would have molded myself into the girl I am today. Don’t get me wrong, what you put me through was atrocious, abominable, and seemingly endless. The late nights crying, the questioning myself, all of it. I remember laying awake at night thinking “This is it, it can’t get any worse than this,” but it did. You pushed me to my limits. You showed me the darkest of times and the worst reflection I’ve ever had of myself.

You caused me to rethink all of my choices. Whether I should wear the purple shirt or the black cardigan. “What would people think of me?” you echoed. You allowed me to create an image of myself which I thought would be repulsive to others. You chose the music I listened to, the makeup I wore, the jokes I laughed at, and I cannot believe I let you do do that to me. I look back on it now and laugh because how funny is it to let your inner demons rip your heart and mind apart piece by piece? The one thing I could control, my thoughts, were destroying me. All because I didn’t love myself.

The people around you were rough, believe me, I know that. Their words, their looks, and their attitude all contributed to the way you felt. It made you want to be like them, and you weren’t, not even a little bit. The robots who caked their face in makeup and all wore the same clothes that made you feel left out… Where are they now? Do you care now? I know in the moment fitting in was seemingly the only way to get by. Now uniqueness is something people look for. Wondering why you weren’t like them, why you didn’t like the same things, you didn’t have the same friends, why you couldn’t just get along with them, it all seems like a blur now. In the moment, it stung like crazy. You tried to change for them, to be the same as them, a copy of the people who now seem like a distant memory.

You believed everything you did was wrong. By being forced to apologize for things you didn’t do wrong, you created a beast. Checking and double checking, constantly seeking approval, you caused the anxiety that faintly sits inside you today. To this day, you peek through into me when you are afraid of someone being upset with you.Screaming inside of you was a voice saying, “Let it go, let go of what hurts you.” On the outside, everyone else was even saying “Let it go, you can do it, you’re only going to continue hurting yourself.” You did, so thank you for that.

The outside demons, you faced them, too. Those who pestered you, made you feel small. The feeling of wanting to crawl under a rock, to shy away from the world and anyone who came too close to pushing your limits. The people who now you laugh at their obviously outrageous behavior, they hurt you and I’m sorry you let them in so easily.

You soaked their words like a sponge, soaked it all in and held it until something came around and squeezed it so hard that all your emotions bubbled to the surface and overflowed into your life.

I don’t know where you found the courage but I am so happy you did. The courage to start yourself new and become a person you would want others to replicate. Not for pounds of makeup or stereotypical clothing. For being responsible, trustworthy, and most importantly happy. You made a conscious choice to change from the girl who didn’t know what to wear to the girl who was put in front a crowd to make their choices. I am so proud of you.

Without making those choices you wouldn’t have found the person that means the most to you, the one who you go to for everything. All of your weird quirks and deep fears, as insane as they may appear to you, are what that person knows you for and sticks around to see more of. You just want to make them proud because that smile is all that matters. The future you want will come sooner rather than later because that’s all you can think about; how if one day you’re with that person, as happy as you are now, you will be content with all the beauty it holds.

Thank you. For pushing me, breaking me down, making me think harder than I thought I needed, and for finally giving me the courage at the perfect time to find someone that makes all your worries from the past seem minute. I am so happy that you’re gone, but it’s not too bad seeing you now and then. You keep me in check when I need to be reminded how blessed I am to be living the life I have now. You found your way out of the dark and I don’t know how to thank you for that. Without you, there would be no me. There wouldn’t be the opportunities I’ve been presented and I sure as hell wouldn’t be loving others as much as I do now. From the bottom of my happy, loved heart, thank you.

Your friend always,

Your More Loved Self