To my father,
You left at the beginning of my junior year, the night of my final performance in my high school's theater production. I remember you telling me you weren't going anywhere that day, that you would always be there for me. I knew you were lying because that had never been true before, and it certainly wasn't going to be true then. I was relieved to see you go, bags packed with whatever goods you managed to smuggle out, but that night when I was on stage, I couldn't help but feel abandoned. As I performed, a part of me hoped that maybe you were sitting there, watching me in the audience.
Most things were better once you left. I expected them to be. There was no more fighting, no more awkward silences, and no more walking on eggshells at home. Life was good, except for the fact that I had been left to deal with college without the support of the one member of my family with a degree. As deadlines for applications and payments loomed over me, I was disheartened, knowing that I probably wasn't going to be able to attend any school I was accepted to. If it hadn't been for the determination of my mother, I would never have been successful in pursuing higher education, something my mother wanted for me more than anything else in the world.
I felt betrayed by you, and the feeling would come and go as you tried to manipulate me from afar, attempting to break into my head and confuse me. I was terrified that the safety I had built up around me would disappear, exposing me. I felt like I had escaped hell and somehow ended up being dragged back again and again. I learned to fight, to ignore your deceit and your lingering presence. I fought for my sanity and won, emerging stronger, more confident, and ready to face the world and whatever challenges it decides to throw at me. The hardships I had to face because of you didn't succeed in breaking me, instead, they saved me.
Because of you, I am a very different person than who I could have been if had grown up knowing a loving, caring, and compassionate father. My will had slowly been beaten down and broken over the years, and I was afraid. I was a happy and careless girl, but you made me fearful and weak, afraid of my own shadow. I could have ended up different, remained afraid and broken, but instead, the years of struggling for confidence and approval molded me into who I am today. I transformed my pain into passion, strength, and motivation. You leaving made me strong, and for that ,dad, I would like to thank you.
