Dear Sweet Child,
First off, I just wanted to start by saying you are strong, even when it feels like the world is crumbling beneath your feet.
Secondly, I wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your parent in your most crucial years of needing love and words of encouragement. While this word may have already become numb to you, other people do not know your story, nor should they have to, but openly they simply do not know what to do besides say sorry. Being a close cousin, I do know that a piece of your world was stripped away from you, and that will never be replaced- which I can infer personally, stings so deep. Often it is said how a parent teaches you everything in life, except how to live without them. Truth be told, I don't think anything can truly prepare you in losing someone; but you are not alone.
As you continue to grow throughout your life, I wanted to address some aspects that I have learned on my own are not the easiest to conquer in facing sudden decease; that in most cases people do not understand.
1. It's okay to cry.
Forget those people who tell you crying is for the weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive. So you go ahead and cry; you probably need it. There is no time limit, no right or wrong way. You need to take care of yourself regardless of how long others think is an appropriate amount of time to grieve. You will be grieving for the rest of your life. The pain and hollow weight in your chest will never go away. You will just learn to push it to the back of your mind for you to access when you’re ready to feel it.
2. Every holiday is like ripping a Band-Aid off over and over.
Your family will laugh about memories from the past when everyone was all together. Reminiscing what your parent was like, their favorite desserts, how they would laugh a certain way or even call your dad nicknames. With a smile plastered across your face, you'll nod as family members tell you stories and you'll think about what you would give to have them there with you. But she is there in spirit, and in any place you bring your heart for she is the only one who knows what it sounds like from the inside.
3. Graduating, moving away to college, first date, first real job, any big event will cause some pain.
In the moment, you are so happy and excited as these new chapters open up. But later on, once alone, you think about how awesome it would be to have them carrying boxes into your dorm room, questioning your first date, looking out into the crowd at graduation, and seeing them with a camera recording you with a thumbs up. You'll get chills as you think about how different life would be with them around.
4. You question everything and ask over and over why?
Whether it was a natural cause of death or some accident, you question everything you know and what you believe in (if you believe in anything). You will replay moments in your head questioning your actions asking what if? But if anything, the re-occurring question is why? An answer that is one to be continued. You’ll also begin to wonder if they’re proud of you. If they noticed you did the right thing when no one else did. You continue to mature and I think that hurts as well because in that moment you’d wish time would stop, but it doesn’t. It keeps going. And so should you.
5. Pictures and old family videos are possibly one of God's greatest gifts to you.
One day you will come across a tub filled with pictures- if you have not yet with your recent collages- and as you sit on the basement floor looking through them, you'll start to cry. Your mind will take you back to that exact moment and right there alone on the cold floor you encounter a special moment of what life was like then. Treasure those recollections forever, and let that be your reminder to constantly pursue your passion for photography.
6. Watching your other parent heal is one of the hardest things you will ever witness.
Though extremely challenging and frustrating at times, watching your parent cry to the point of exhaustion will be really hard, but the grieving process does get easier. I will not lie to you; it is a constant and repeated stab in your heart that you can’t do anything about. But you get through it each and every time this feeling overwhelms you. You fight through it because you’re so ridiculously tough, and your dad needs you to be. He is doing his best to focus on what he does have and that is you. Your mother lives in you. Do not take for granted his love.
I will leave you with this final note. Your mom was a lover of gardening. When asking why do the best people die it is no different from asking when you're in a garden which flowers do you pick? The most beautiful ones. And similar to the idea that flowers grow back, even after they are stepped on, so will you. There is a flower in your heart, it just needs room to bloom, and when you let it free, you will show the world that sometimes the most beautiful things can grow in the darkest of places without the need of light.
All my love and tears,
The sister you never had- your cousin
