Dear Grandpa,

First of all before I start, this letter is going to be messy and filled with words and emotions that I need to get out.

I’d like to wish you a very Happy Birthday. You would’ve been 90 today. It’s your first time celebrating your birthday in Heaven and I hope you are having a blast. I know you are with your loved ones who left this earth before you and I know you are at peace. I can picture you with your own huge comfy chair sitting back relaxing and listening to Sinatra. I still think about you every single day and each day it gets harder and harder. I think about how soon it will be the 1 year anniversary of your passing. I can’t believe it will have been that long since I saw your face, smiling warmly at me and giving me a giant hug.

There are a few things that I never had the chance to tell you that I will always kick myself for not doing so. I want to thank you. I feel as though I never had the chance to properly thank you for everything you’ve done. I guess I never knew how to say it. You did everything in your power to make sure your granddaughters always were on track no matter what the case was. You helped make my dreams of going to a college to study my passion a reality. Even though I ended up leaving that college, just know that I am at a place where I am most happy and I am working harder than ever to achieve my degree. I hope someday I can prove to you that every penny counted and make you proud. Sometimes when I’m singing, I can hear you saying “That was beautiful, but you did sing that note a little flat”. The truth is, I always became upset when you critiqued me because I hate criticism, but in reality, you were just trying to make me work harder for my dreams and goals. I swear to you I am doing my best, still. I don’t want to let you down. I am not a quitter.

I remember the day you passed away as though I lived it 5 seconds ago. That morning I headed into the city and Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me to the Moon” was playing in the ferry terminal. I cried my eyes out because at that very moment, I knew. I knew you were gone. I feel as though that was your way of telling me that you were safe and not in pain anymore. When I went home and walked through that door I saw my mother with tears in her eyes. She came up to me and said: “He’s gone”. We held each other and cried for what felt like hours. Nothing made sense. My grandpa passed away.

I also wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t get to actually say goodbye. The last time I saw you alive, you had machines hooked up to you keeping you stable. You were unconscious and all I could do was pray and hope for the best. I prayed that you would’ve woken up when I walked to your bedside. I wish you would’ve opened your eyes when everyone in the room. I took turns squeezing your foot and felt how cold you were getting. I remember hugging you for the last time and the last burning image of you that I have was in that cold hospital room sitting with the whole family. I know you wouldn’t have wanted us to see you like that. It was painful for me and everyone else. Your passing happened so quickly and unexpectedly and every time I think about it, it hits me like a train. I wish I could’ve done something to help. I feel selfish because all you ever did was give and in your time of need, I was helpless and felt useless. I wish I could’ve taken the pain away with the snap of my fingers but all I could do was watch you fade away right before my very eyes. It will haunt me for the rest of my life.

A few days after your passing, I found myself in your wake and funeral. I walked in the room where we all gathered to see “you” for the last time and the first thing I saw on the slideshow screen was a picture of us. It gives me chills to this day. Everything was becoming more and more real and I wanted it to stop. I remember kneeling down before your casket and I held your frozen hand, tears falling down my face. I whispered the words "I love you" to you but I don’t know if you heard me. You didn’t even look like you. The next day we gathered in the church and then proceeded with the military style burial. I placed a rose on top of your coffin and walked away. I guess you could say that was my final goodbye.

To end this letter, I would like to remind you that I love you. I remember yelling over the phone as a child “I love you grandpa!”. I wish I could’ve told my younger self to call you more often and try to visit you and grandma more. I will never forget how every birthday you made me a silver foil crown and placed it on my head. I will never forget ringing the doorbell and watching you walk down the hallway and welcome me with a giant hug and kiss on the cheek. I will never forget how Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner would smell. I will never forget how you always treated every single person who you crossed paths with absolute respect. I will never forget the stories you’d tell. I will never forget you waving at me as my dad drove away from your house for the last time. I will never forget you. I will tell my son all about you- after all, you do share the same name. My memories of you will live on in any way that I can. I’ll make sure of it.

I miss you, grandpa. I hope you are proud of me and everything that I’ve accomplished over the past year. I promise I will continue to do nothing but great things in honor of you. I love you so much. Happy Birthday.

Love always,

Victoria