Dear Joshua Feuerstein-
I am writing to you today to express my love and support for your recent video, in which you exploit Starbucks for their atrocious Christmas cup design, or lack there of. Many see this as Starbucks's first attack on Christmas, but I have been holding onto a secret about this seemingly innocent coffee shop for far too long.
I began to have my suspicions that Starbucks was a corrupt, Jesus-hating company back in 2014, but I kept my thoughts to myself. As you well know, any time you come forward with such a huge scandal there is bound to be backlash. I stayed quiet for my own selfish sanity, to avoid the criticism and hate comments on Facebook. I have committed the sin of selfishness, and I will forever repent for that.
Take me to confession…
November 1st, 2014 8:48 a.m.- I arrived at Starbucks to purchase my morning cup of coffee. I expected to walk into a Christmas wonderland, but there were no decorations in sight. All good Americans know Christmas decorations go up immediately after Halloween. I realized Starbucks is an un-American establishment and vowed to never return.
November 10th, 2014 9:02 a.m.- I drove past a Starbucks shop and noticed there were snowflakes and reindeer stickers on the door. I thought to myself, if G-d can forgive me for Spring Break ’11, I could find it in my heart to forgive Starbucks for their late decor. I was so excited to reunite with my double chocolate chip frap that I almost missed the fact that their coffee display was stocked with more Pike Roast than Christmas Blend. Appalling, I know—especially so close to Christmas! I vowed, again, to never return.
December 6th, 2014 2:45 p.m.- D*mn you, chocolate chip Frappuccino. I am ashamed to admit I went against my vow and surrendered to its chocolatey chunks and whipped cream topping. This was the last time I gave in to temptation though, because as I was leaving the barista had the audacity to wish me “Happy Holidays.” In a state of shock, I tried to remain cool and ask myself WWJD (what would Jesus do)? I grabbed the first Venti hot coffee I saw and threw it onto the barista while screaming, “IT’S MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU SATANIC LIBERAL!!!” Maybe not what Jesus would do, but I don't regret my actions, as they were necessary to preserve the sanctity of Christ's name. I will never enter another Starbucks again, and not just because I’m banned.
Starbucks is more than just the anti-Christ. After my experiences in 2014 I devoted my time to uncover Starbucks hidden agenda. The evidence slowly built up; I began to see connections between Starbucks and ISIS. For example, ISIS and Starbucks BOTH have two "S"s. I knew S had significance. I removed all the “S”s in Starbucks’s secret menu and sure enough it spelled out their plan to destroy the world on Christmas Eve. I cannot discuss any more information over email. Please meet me at Dunkin Donuts on Wednesday at 4 p.m. so we can take action. Bring your gun.
Jesus Love & Mine,
Your #1 Follower
