Dear They Who Shall Not BeNamed,

Hi. It's been a while. Has it? Maybe it hasn't if you are still my friend. Not my “I hope we can be" friend, but a true friend. Even if you are, I always wonder if you have the moments that I do, those what-ifs that slip into my mind when we see each other. When your face appears on my home feeds, or your name shows as having seen my Snapchat story, I wonder what you think. Do you miss me? I hope you do.

I don't miss you.

It took me a long time. For some of you, it may have even taken longer for me to put myself back together than when we ever were, only for someone standing beside you to rip me open once again. And each time, I let it happen. I cared, I trusted. I tried to tell myself, my friends, my sisters, my mother, that this one was different. That he was perfect. That we could talk for hours. That he drove me nuts. That he loved the same random bands that no one else did. The same movies. The same weather. That he was smart. That he was funny, no hilarious. Sassy. Sarcastic. Charming. Awkward. Caring. SINGLE. Just like me.

You were nothing like me.

I may be writing this to you partially out of anger and honestly; I completely accept that fact in a way that you never could. I feel. My sleeve is covered in my emotions that often blend together so much that it takes me days to try and figure out what they are. You never tried. You went off of the first inclinations, never digging deeper than the anxiety that you knew I had or the depression that arrived like the swelling of a wave. You looked at me like a sickly animal, feeling as “sorry" as you felt was necessary.

I feel sorry for you.

For all of those times that I cried, which I will openly admit to doing, I learned to pick myself back up. I didn't have to explain to my friends that “it just didn't work out," they merely had to look at me and they could tell. When I grew silent because of a poignant memory, I was drawn back into reality by the people who never left me. While I chased after you and pined and prayed that everything would finally work, and someone would finally care, the ones who really loved me waited, gave me the chocolates that you never did, and held me closer than you ever did. You may see these occurrences as just another piece of proof that I was too attached to you, too affected by you, thanking your past self that you didn't let things with me carry on. I said that you never gave it a chance, that you wouldn't try.

I'm glad you let me go.

I am going to let someone find me, someone who can take the worse moments because they know the good ones and the best moments that come with them. And I know that I will find them. Because I know that there are smart, funny (no, hilarious), sassy, sarcastic, charming, awkward, devoted, single people out there. Because of you.

So thank you; you taught me so much. I carry myself stronger every day because of you. And you were right; I don't deserve another chance. I deserve so much more.