Dear Thirteen-Year-Old me,
Right now you feel lost, stranded in this world without your role model, protector, your mom. I promise, you will be able to keep fighting even when it seems far too dark to see any sort of light on the other side, I know this because I am still here to write you this letter. You will have good and bad days, remind yourself those feelings are normal and that hope is out there.
Nothing will ever be the same. There will forever be an elephant present in the room and that is part of this ‘new normal’. Finding your ‘new normal’ is learning how to continue to live without mom, although this sounds simple to find, it will push you in ways you never knew were capable and from that, you will grow.
Three years ago, I never thought I would be in the place I am now. Honestly, I couldn’t see beyond the moment I was in, there was no future ahead of me and maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. I was a normal girl, still shy and not the best at making friends but I was able to carry on with my life as usual. At that age I never really placed myself into the experiences we, as a family, were facing. Of course it was easy to acknowledge these difficulties had occurred, it was a hell of a lot harder to feel. To feel the pain, the anger, the sadness and the guilt. In early August of 2013, while my sister, Danielle, and I were spending time with our aunt in Florida when a call came in that would change my life forever. My mom had attempted suicide. Not many knew this even happened. I can remember my dad telling us, don’t tell anyone this happened or they might not let you hang out with people because we will be thought of as crazy. At the time I didn’t know what I do now and that sentence he said now pains me to my core. Does he still think of this as ‘crazy’? Am I ‘crazy'? Does everyone think like this? Are all questions I ask myself when I think back to that day. The attempt didn’t alarm many as she was released from MUPC (University of Missouri Psychiatric Center) and later that week, life began to go on as normal. I wish someone had realized this was a sign of what would come next, if she tried once she was even more likely to try again, and no one expressed that.
Right now the world doesn’t seem fair and that is okay. To you, the girl sitting on your neighbor’s couch, shaking and crying until numbness takes over. The pain you feel right now is going to decrease, not in intensity but in duration, over time tonight will not be the first thing on your mind when you fall asleep and wake up again the next morning. Today seemed like any other day until you arrived home, now you know just how quickly life can change. You will grow from this experience and there will be both good and bad things that come out of this, I promise.
In this moment nothing makes sense, you are feeling as lost and confused as ever because you still cannot understand why this happened to you. You have faced more during your thirteen years of life than you ever would have imagined. I promise, you will live, no matter how much the pain aches and plagues at your body, you are stronger. It won’t be an easy ride that is for sure and some of this will never go away but it will change and you will learn to cope. Some of your coping strategies won’t be the best and others will allow you to open new doors in your life, but all you can do is your best and each day you walk up and keep the promise of staying alive, you are trying and that is all that matters. Please do not ever forget that.
You must remember grief doesn’t play by the rules. No one can predict how an individual will react to the loss of someone close to them, this makes it hard to connect and work through grief. If I could go back in time and ask my thirteen-year-old self what grief is, I bet I wouldn’t be able to give an answer. It can look like anger. Guilt. Sadness. Numbness. Confusion. There is no timeline, someone could grieve the loss of a loved for months, while others may experience these feelings for years following the loss.
Your life matters and the pain you feel is only temporary. Everyone needs you, this world needs. Don’t be afraid to open up and let others in, as that is the only way you will get through this. Please stay. Please.
