The sun fell across my face and its’ rays gently woke me from my drunken grogginess. I was in a familiar place. Yet, it felt terrifying and strange. My eyes, blurry from sleep, looked for clues as to what could have happened the night before, but one clue was evident. My shorts clung to my ankles and my body encountered a throbbing pain that would not subside. With a rush of adrenaline, I gathered my belongings that had been thrown across the room and thanked god that I made it out of that dorm room without having to talk much with him. Like most of these stories go, I stumbled back to my room and I showered.
I stared blankly between the water droplets that ran down my body and I tried to feel okay. I tried to assure myself that I would move past this. I stood there for a long time but no amount of water or soap would have made me feel clean. I felt disgust. I felt fear.I felt anger. I felt sadness, disappointment, but most hurtful of all, loneliness. He went from being my best friend to my rapist in one night. However, I didn’t come to this conclusion very easily. He made excuses for himself and I believed them. In my time of insecurity, I believed him. Maybe it was my fault for getting too drunk and going over to talk to him. Maybe I was asking for it by being that intoxicated. Maybe I should have fought harder or called more of my friends for rescue. Those are the thoughts that raced through my mind. I had nightmares of the parts that I remembered scattered within the blacked out moments.I eventually told my RA what had happened but not who had done it. I had some loyalty to him even though he ruined part of me.
The thing is, people tell you the statistics when you come to college. 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in college. Men will be assaulted as well. But, it doesn’t set in until it happens to you or someone that you care about. But once this societal disease grabs a hold of you in some way, it feels like it will never let you go. They tell you to dress appropriate and to watch what you drink.They tell you to man up or they tell you to be a lady. If you’re manly, you have excuses for these kinds of occurrences because you “can’t help it”.Or if you’re a man, you’re too masculine to be raped. “Suck it up and be a man.”
If you’re a woman, you’re a sexualized object. Maybe you don’t see that our society breeds this behavior. Or maybe you’re screaming that it does at the top of your lungs with what feels like no result.But, we survivors need to stand together with each other and the people that we love that have made us feel like we matter. Because we all matter, however we identify ourselves, whatever heritage we come from, we are all human, no inferiority or superiority involved.It was challenging to write this article because I still feel embarrassment and insecurity from time to time.
I am still healing but I want to share some of my story because this cause is what I want to devote my life to. I thought that when I went to college, I should be afraid of creepy men hiding in the shadows, but it turned out to be my best friend who hurt me more than I could have imagined.I wasn’t wrong to trust him and I wasn’t wrong to drink just as much as anyone else.If you have been sexually assaulted, it is no fault of your own. No matter what happened, you are not to blame. Reach out, even if it’s just to talk to someone. This fight gets tiring and frustrating, believe me I know. You are strong; you are beautiful; you are so important. When it feels like no one is on your side, I am with you, and so are so many others.
With Love,
Kayla Sorenson
