1 out of 3 women have been victims of domestic violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime, according to NCADV. The person who you are closest to can hurt you the most. The man you think is flawless has a moment of anger and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. You forgive him because he was out of character, he would never do that to you again.
Until he gets frustrated again and there you are, in his way and get mistaken for a punching bag. You blame yourself because maybe you shouldn’t have frustrated him or maybe you should have stepped out of his way. You keep playing Russian Roulette with your mental and physical health because you don’t want to accept the truth, that he is an abuser and you are the victim of a violent relationship.
The physical abuse is only the start of this toxic relationship. Emotional abuse hurts just as much as when you are gasping for air. The first month is great, he thinks you are so special and you are the only person he has been this close to. He tells you no one makes him feel like you do. Red flag number one. You want to have a girl’s night because it has been way too long since you have seen them since your new boyfriend.
Your friends don’t like him because he is too possessive. He begs you to stay in because he doesn’t want you to be anywhere without him because he will “miss you”. You think it’s cute that he feels so strongly about you so fast. Red flag number two. You are texting your friends and on your phone a little bit too much and he loses his temper and yells. He says sorry, he just wants to spend time with you. Red flag number three.
This is real. The abuse is real. I interviewed a victim of an abusive relationship, anonymously.
A relationship that seemed to fit so well, took a turn for the worst when drugs got in the mix. Throughout the course of about a year and a half, at the edge of her breaking point, she found her strongest side. A man she thought she knew so well, left her at wit's end. They started dating, she was aware he was a past drug user but was believed he had been done with that. He was living in his truck on the streets, and as his girlfriend, she felt bad and took him in.
It was great until she noticed he started taking pills. He led her astray from the truth, telling her he just needed it to relax, that the drug problem was gone. It escalated by him accusing her of lying and being a psychotic girlfriend. He would always scream at her, trying to hide the truth. Throughout the months, these pills turned into coke and heroin, through her eyes she could only see life or death for him.
He needed help and she was the only one there for him. Scared of her safety, but more scared of what he would do to himself. It became so miserable, she cut everyone out of her life because they did not approve of him and they couldn't understand what she was going through. She was sleeping next to a man she didn't know.
The misery made her gain weight, and feel careless because she was trapped to an anchor. She kept catching him in endless lies about drugs, confrontation only led to her being cussed at and objects being thrown. Again, she found needles in his golf bag that he said was from years ago, played it to a T. She told him not to come home but he always would, and refused to leave without his "dog", which was actually hers. She came home from her second job, because she has to support him since he had no job, to this stranger passed out surrounded by syringes.
The truth about him was laid on the ground in front of her, she could not convince herself otherwise. She woke him up and to this he throws not only her across the room but accusations and the violent language yet again. She tries to call 911 but hangs up, he started hitting himself and threatens to say she was abusing him as well. When they call back he tells her to relay everything is fine.
After she slept next to her nightmare, she left the next morning to the police station. A restraining order was filed, when they served him with the restoring order they came back to the house he was found with syringes.
As she leaves the neighborhood, she sees him pull back in and calls the police. He didn't even make it back to the house, he only makes it through the mailboxes. He was arrested for a DUI. 5 a.m. the next morning, he comes all drugged up banging on her door because he couldn't recall back to being served a restraining order.
Little did he know, a friend who was a cop was staying there and ordered him to leave. He left. He now lives just only 20 minutes away, he is recovering. He does have legal visitation rights to see the dog. For a while, she had sleepless nights scared he might start knocking on her door. She believes this experience made her much stronger.
When you finally notice all these flags, it feels too late. You want to help him change but it keeps getting worse. You are already too deep in this black hole. You want to tell your friends so they can help you get out but he is lingering in the back of your head.
You didn't break me. The vulnerability I had to face made me stronger, not you.
