An Open Letter To My Friend In Heaven

An Open Letter To My Friend In Heaven

Help guide me on the right path.
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You were taken way too soon.

Sometimes I forget that you're gone and I still expect to get a goofy snap chat from you or to have you call me for one of our life talks. It's during the holiday season that it seems that I miss you the most. The anniversary of your death doesn't sting quite as badly as being back at home without you there. I can usually shake the feeling of your absence whenever I am away at school and surrounded by many distractions. But sitting in our hometown, with no one there to keep me busy, leaves me with my thoughts and the empty spot where you used to be.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

I know that I shouldn't, but I still hate that I didn't take full advantage of every moment that I got to spend with you. You were the most charismatic person, you made us all feel like your best friend, and you could always turn the worst day into the best day, and I was so proud to know you. When I found out that you were gone, I was mad. I was mad at you for leaving this world, when you were the source of so many people's happiness. I was mad at God for taking you. And I was mad at me for not taking you up on your offer to go out to dinner the week before. Hindsight will get you every time.

Romans 8:18 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

Your future was so promising. You had some of the biggest plans that I've known an 18-year-old boy to have. But that's how you were, you made big plans and you had every intention of living up to them. I think that's why we all loved you so much, your zeal inspired us to live bigger and bolder lives.

It's been almost two years since the world lost you. While it got darker at first, those of us who knew you learned to shine light in the same way that you did. You were truly a blessing and our lives were shaped by the way you touched them. You should know how much I still love you. And how much I think about you and wonder what your life would look like if you were still here. I rest easy knowing that you're up there with Jesus. I smile thinking about how you're probably talking his head off.

Philippians 1:3 I thank my God every time I remember you.

I'm jealous that Heaven has you and we don't, but I totally get why God wanted you back. One day I'll see you again. I imagine we will spend a long time catching up, you probably have a lot of opinions on some of the decisions I've made, and I'm sure you'll give me a lot of hell over some of the boys I've dated, too. Until then, I know that you're watching over me because that's the kind of amazing person that you are. I'll try to keep things interesting, it has to be entertaining watching me hold my life together.

Keep me on the right path,

A friend who misses you very much.

Cover Image Credit: Facebook

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To The Girl Who Always Feels Left Out

Maybe next time...
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To the girl who always feels left out,

Girl, let me just tell you, I know the feeling. It feels as though my whole life, I have been that girl. You know that feeling when you are standing in a group of people and someone comes up and asks everyone to go to lunch in that group... But you?

Or they make it even worse by saying "Oh, I guess you can come too." You guess I can come to?

No, thank you.

At that point, you feel like the only reason you are being invited is that they feel like they have to. Which more than likely is actually the case. What about when you ask your friend to hang out and she can't because she will be doing homework all night? However, an hour later, you see her with your other best friend. Oh okay cool, sorry for bothering you with my friendship.

You know you are the girl who is always left out when you are the designated "photographer" or you have to specifically ask if you can take a picture with them because they are obviously done taking pictures and did not want one with you.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who 'Float' Between Friend Groups

We all know "Hey, will you take this picture of us?" all too well. Am I right, ladies? Oh yeah, it is fine. I hate being in pictures. I definitely hate taking pictures to remember this wonderful time I'm having.

What about when you and your friends discuss doing something later during the week and you ask about it but "It's probably not happening anymore." Then you check and would you look at that, your "friends" are having fun without you.

Shocker.

Oh but don't worry about it, I had things to do anyway. You know, clean the house, work on homework that is due next week, binge-watch The Office for the third time this week. Fun stuff. Oh and better yet when you see your friends are hanging out without you. The next time they see you, they talk about how much fun they had.

Oh yes, please tell me about how much fun you had without me. I totally enjoy hearing about how "I totally missed out" and "I should have come." Well, an invite would have been well appreciated. But maybe next time, right? Wrong.


Yeah, I know what you are thinking, "Wow this girl is being so petty." Well if you are thinking that, then you obviously do not know the feeling. And to think about it, you probably are not the one in the friend group who is being left out. So think about who that person is and make them feel included next time. It would be greatly appreciated. You do not know how much of a difference it could make.

Yes, I know everyone feels left out sometimes, but time after time, it starts to get really old. Then after you have to start inviting yourself to hang out with people, you realize well since they are not inviting me themselves, maybe they don't want me here. And then surprisingly, you stop hanging out with them. Hmmm, I wonder what could've possibly happened.


Yes, I know, most people do not do this on purpose. I am sure I have even done it once or twice without realizing it, and I am truly sorry.

From one left out girl to another,

Good Luck

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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The Shape Of The Monster: Depression

The second piece in a series about mental illness.

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The last thing I want to do is glorify mental illness, give it a platform, give it a name. But I need to talk about it, to work through it, to show that it's something many people experience.

It goes like this.

Hey! Sorry I haven't called you back. Everything has been so busy.

Every time I think about even picking up the phone and calling you, something heavy but familiar sets in my stomach like a weight.

You know how things get.

You know how easy it is to want to slip into absolute nothingness, right?

I've been trying to write, but my writer's block has been limiting me a lot.

Everything I write is so bad. The flow is off. It doesn't sound like me. It feels so crooked and wrong. I can't do anything right.

How are things? Has work been alright?

I hope you feel successful. I hope things are easier for you. I hope you are as happy as you seem.

I'm okay.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I feel crooked and wrong like I just want to scream and cry and dissolve.

I've just been so tired!

I have been tired for at least a decade. Tired of never sleeping. Tired of never feeling anything more than either absolute devastation and absolute nothingness. Tired. Tired. Tired.

I hope I can see you soon.

I hope I can bring myself to get out of bed and out into the world. I hope I can force myself to shower, and get dressed, and be a contributor to society, to social obligations.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I love you.

I love you.

I promise to call as soon as things lighten up a bit.

As long as the chemical imbalance doesn't destroy me altogether, hopefully, I can feign vague interest for a short phone call.

Goodbye.

Goodbye for now, maybe goodbye forever, maybe I'll work up the courage to call you in another 2, 5, 7 weeks or so. My life is made of "maybes." Maybe one-day things will be better. Maybe one day I'll be happy. Maybe one day I won't be anything. Maybe.

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