Recently I've been learning that if you purposely choose to not process through pain that you have endured, it seems to continually resurface at different times. I thought that if I just chose to put all of the pain from past relationships behind me I could just move on and not think about it, yet those memories and that pain have seemed to bubble up at different points in the past few months. So, as I do with many things, I have chosen to process through them with writing. The words that I've been holding in for as long as five years are finally coming out here.

A letter to the boys I've dated:

I was always so charmed by you. With your sweet words and thoughtful actions, it was hard to not become infatuated. The feeling of being wanted by someone was a feeling that I valued highly, honestly what I valued most at the time. I valued the time, dates, smiles, texts and laughs. I thought that this was the epitome of living, the happiest I've been and will ever be. You quickly became the most important aspect of my life, above everything and everyone, including my relationship with God. I couldn't self-differentiate from you. I had no idea where you ended and I began, and I slowly watched the Mariah I knew morph into something different. I was in denial though. I couldn't accept the fact that you changed me, and it wasn't into the best version of myself by any means. My priorities, my thoughts, my beliefs, the way I treated people, what I enjoyed—they all had a tint of you. Completely blinded by infatuation, I was then blindsided by the words of you ending what I had placed on a pedestal for so long. My equation suddenly had you subtracted from it, and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with the new sum. However, I have been able to grow exponentially, and since then I have been able to process everything that I learned from you.

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me what it does and does not look like to be thoughtfully pursued. For showing me the benefits of having a foundation of friendship. For helping me realize that I value quality time much higher than any gift I could be given. For helping me to see that any boy who does not see me as worth making a commitment and putting in effort for even in the midst of difficult circumstances is not worth my time. You showed me that I highly admire someone who respects everyone that the come into contact with, no matter who they are. I now highly value when a guy is able to be intentional, thoughtful and graceful with their words, being quick to listen and slow to speak. I know now how important it is to me for a guy to be loving and respecting to his family, including his siblings, and understand that how he treats them is a definite reflection of his true character. I refuse to let your broken promises destroy my trust, and I will continue to hold promises and commitment in high regard. I now know how to self-differentiate, and will not let any guy change me unless it is changing me into the best version of myself. Most importantly, I refuse to make an idol of any future relationship, and refuse to allow any man to create a wedge in between God and myself. If we are both running towards Him, we will inevitably become closer to each other.

I would never change anything about our relationship. I am grateful for you and everything that you and our relationship taught me. Because of you, I have a better understanding of my values, standards, and myself. I know that the hurt has made me stronger, and I can move forward better prepared for whatever God interjects into my life.

Thanks for everything,

Mariah

This article was inspired by a video done by Alexa Losey entitled "A Letter To All The Boys I've Loved." Check it out here: