I've been raised Catholic. I even attended 12 years of Catholic school and went to church every weekend until my freshman year of high school. I guess the original reason for not attending was because I was busy and yes, I know that is not a good excuse, thank you.
But then more reasons kept coming to me. Why attend mass when I know for a fact I will only be stressing over my homework, wondering what my friends are doing, or writing a book in my head the entire time? Why do I need to sit in a service for an hour or more just to talk to the Creator?
And before you freak out, yes I know that His son died for me and that an hour is nothing in comparison, but if you are not truly focused during the hours, what's the point?
After I stopped attending mass, I started to question all the things I had been taught me whole life. There is no doubt in my mind that there is a greater being but why the Bible? Is it not just a story?
And then my junior year of high school, it happened. Actually, I think it was technically my summer going into senior year. Not really sure what events transpired, but I stopped believing. I stopped believing in most things. I doubted the even existence of a greater being. I wondered often about what happened after death and pondered the good in the world and the meaning of life.
I would often cry myself to sleep, wondering how if there was a God, how He could make life the way it was.
It was scary to not know what I believed, to no longer be 100% sure of the things that for most of life I was forced to accept at face value. It took awhile, I questioned everything. I asked the man upstairs more questions than I can count.
I asked Him why people are the way they are, why the world was full of horrible things, why nothing ever went the way it should. Then, I stopped asking Him, I ignored Him, ignored everything. I lived without believing.
The hard thing is that I want to say that it all changed one day that I had an amazing experience that made me believe again, but that never happened. The events that were meant to strengthen my faith only caused it to become weaker. The times when others "found God again" or when reminded to "live the fourth" were the times when my questions grew louder.
I no longer doubt there is a greater being, I know that there is someone/something up there looking out for us. I believe in guardian angels. I know that there are plenty of people up there looking over me, but I don't really know much more than that and maybe that's the point.
Maybe we're supposed to doubt everything we know, to question everything not only in bad times but good ones as well. Maybe we're supposed to constantly learn about what we believe and be willing to change our beliefs in order to find ourselves.
I don't know, all I know is that I don't know what I believe.
