As many of you have been in relationships, some of you have heard the phrase “let’s stay friends." Don’t. Please, for your own sanity and mental health, just don’t do it. I learned that the hard way and I just want you to know that no matter how much of a good idea it seems, it’s not. Not unless you were friends first or maybe didn’t date for that long of a time, or you’re just lucky and you’re not me.
I dated someone for almost two years and I won’t go into the details of the breakup but let’s just say we wanted to remain friends. Well, this guy was my best friend during the relationship (as most relationships end up being). I thought to myself “this will be fine, I’m sure.” I was wrong. I found myself getting insecure, jealous and even needier than I was when we even dated. When I think about this I realize why: he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore. All the attention I swore I didn’t need when we dated, I found myself wanting more than ever. He wanted to be friends, he truly did. We hung out, we talked, we vented to each other, we called each other with news or jokes, etc. It was going great, until it wasn’t.
He ended up ultimately getting frustrated with me time after time because I kept fighting about stupid things such as not texting me back or never wanting to hang out or returning my calls. He stayed my friend but fought me back, constantly reminding me that we weren’t dating anymore and he didn’t have to do all those things. I kept reminding myself of that but I always reverted back to fighting and getting jealous. He hasn’t dated or even come close to dating anyone since me, so what was my issue? Why couldn’t I just accept the friendship and keep it going strong? Is it me? Am I really just this nasty and evil person? No, the answer to that is a strong no. I know who I am. I’m a caring, generally positive, senior in college with my whole life ahead of me and a supportive group of friends who would do anything for me. But why wasn’t this like all of my other friendships? I have a one word answer to that: love.
We fell in love. If I had to call it anything, I would call it a fairytale love (as cheesy as that is). We fell in love, we became each other’s best friend, our friends approved of one another, our families approved and everything was great. We made plans for the future, for after I graduated and for the rest of our lives practically. When we broke up and chose to remain friends, that meant not talking about it anymore and moving on. Something I had sworn to myself during the relationship I would never have to do, and then suddenly I did. This meant forgetting everything I know about him, practically. His likes/dislikes, favorite bands, favorite genre of music, favorite place to eat, favorite thing to do in his spare time, favorite color, favorite everything. As friends, I didn’t need to know all those details anymore. But I couldn’t just forget them. I couldn’t just pretend I never knew them, either.
That’s what makes being friends so hard. You don’t have the detachment like a normal breakup. They’re still around and everything about them is the same except for the fact that you’re not dating anymore and how you used to act around them, you can’t anymore. Everything has to stop and change. Maybe, just maybe, if we were given time after our breakup, then we could’ve remained friends. I’ll never blame him for how I feel, and I’ll never blame myself because neither of those is a solution.
It’s never pretty losing someone you care about. Sometimes, it’s ugly and painful and makes you feel like you’re losing everything in the world all at one time. But sometimes, it’s just something that has to happen and acceptance is also something that comes along with it in time.
