I am 29 years old. Most of my life I was always that person that was always smiling. I shared my positive outlook with everyone i encountered. I felt like a ray of sunshine that was meant to help others get away from negativity. At 21 years old I was so in love for the first time with someone amazing. A turn of events took him from me forever. My beautiful happy world as I knew it was turned upside down. I fell into a very deep, and dark depression. I started dating someone who was a total narcissist. it didn't take long for him to suck the energy and everything I had within my emphatic soul. One day I met my best friend and he swept me off my feet. Before I knew it I was in love again but this time with the one who was supposed to be my soulmate. I spent the next 6.5 years experiencing life with him. He is still thr most intelligent person I've ever met. I was so blinded and broken at this point so I didn't realize that I was slowly dying more and more inside every single day. He was so good at what he did that I didn't even notice the fact that I had become completely isolated and pissed off all my friends to the point of no return because od my flakiness. My once upon a time bright and shiny attitude and confidence had been replaced with hardcore self doubt and insecurity. To get me to not leave he told me I stank and nobody wants to be around a stinky person. I loved him so i really believed that I had bad odor. Its burned in my brain even when I spray my new expensive perfume. One day 6.5 years into what i thought my forever he came home from work and packed his belongings with another woman in the car outside. I fell to my knees and hysterically begged him to please stay. He was gone. I woke up everyday for the next six months with my first thought being I just wanted to die. I had nobody. I started getting back out and around people. I got a new place. I was lonely so i started letting all the wrong men in my life. I will let you know getting beat up and taking advantage of is not a better alternative to being alone. I lost my place. I was put in some near death situations, sexual assault a few times, and constantly being stolen from. I tried to commit suicide several times. I had this overwhelming feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. In those several attempts God definitely took the wheel because that's not what his plan for me was. Fast forward about a year of bullshit to current times. I have made a lot of positive changes to everything about my life today. I had to cut out just about everyone I know. At first I was kinda miserable and lonely again. It didn't take long for my head to clear and I started thinking for myself again. I have become somewhat selfish for my own good. I regularly meditate. I am about to start back in school to finish my once abandoned college degree. I can breathe again. I am feeling like the amazing and inspired sunshine woman again and it feels so good. I am not where I want to be yet but that's what goals are about and I am making way. To think I was going to end it all at one point hurts me so much because there is so much I would've missed. To anyone that is feeling like they don't have anyone, that there is no hope, that are sick and tired, and over everything....
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