50 percent of marriages end in divorce and almost a decade ago it happened to my family. My parents made the decision to get divorced. There were a lot of factors that went into that decision and it wasn't an easy one to make. Now that I am older and my mother and I have had more comprehensive talks about the divorce and how it honestly affected us both, I can reflect on the lessons it has taught me.
1. Being a good person or partner is not enough to make someone stay.
My mother was the quintessential partner. She made our house a home and made sure everything was right under that roof. I'm talking dinner cooked almost every night, clothes washed, rooms cleaned, everything. We were a stereotypical suburban family. If I was a man, I would want to marry someone like my mother. And yet, the marriage ended. It taught me that no matter how much you do right, people will make choices that hurt and destroy your life. People don't always see all the good you do and you shouldn't try to be perfect so that they don't leave. It doesn't always work that way.
2. Love isn't always enough.
One of the most painful parts of the divorce for me was that I didn't yet understand how my parents could no longer be together if they loved each other. How my father could do what he did if he loved my mother and loved my brother and I. But now I realize that love is powerful and transcendent, but it isn't enough. Without trust, commitment, honesty, communication, and other principles, love can't function to its highest potential. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean that you can fix every problem.
3. Good people do bad things.
I struggled, as a middle schooler, to reconcile the man who watched Twilight Zone marathons with me with the man who ripped my world apart. He wasn't a monster. He wasn't a crook. But he had done something awful. People are not all good and not all bad. They make mistakes, choices and bad calls. My father made a really bad call. And it changed all of us. But somewhere, in his soul, I know there is some good left.
4. It is possible to grow up too quick.
With my parents getting divorced and me being old enough to understand some nuances of that, I grew up really fast. Things that a middle schooler usually cares about became trivial to me because my world was different, unrecognizable. I receded into myself and came back out a lot older than I should have been. People have told me that I am wise beyond my years. And it's a tribute to the fact that I had to be. Being a kid-adult is hard. And it shapes the way you become an adult-adult. I'm figuring it out piece by piece.
5. It's hard to want to go home, but want to stay away from it all together.
I picked App because it was far away from my home. Far enough that I could escape and I desperately needed a new fresh start. But my family is still there and I love and miss them dearly. It's hard for me to go back home sometimes because there are still parts of my life that aren't normal or enjoyable because of this divorce. Splitting time, feeling guilty, balancing drama, it all takes a toll. I am immensely in awe of my mother for staying in that town, for not uprooting my brother and I when she had every reason to. I learned that home doesn't always have to be a place. My home is my bed that my mom bought my freshman year of college. It's her Mac-n-cheese, her hugs, watching "Naked and Afraid" with her. It's tackling my brother even though he is almost a foot taller and much stronger. It's dinner dates with my dad and giggles with my nieces. It isn't always easy, but home isn't always a building or a town.
The divorce taught me plenty and, in a way, I am grateful. I can't imagine myself without that turnaround in my life. I am thankful to my mother for sticking through it all with me and being my superhero. I am thankful for the love and support I have always received and the immense self-awareness that this has bestowed on me. Divorce is a traumatic event. But it doesn't have to break you.
