Assuming you are a natural skeptic like myself, you might be wondering what qualifies me to give you advice. As a Hemmingway I consider myself somewhat of an expert in my profession. What is my profession you ask? I’m an investigator. Everything that comes into the house has to pass inspection by me; furniture, shoes, purses, even humans. Especially humans. My extra toes make this the perfect job for me. New rug in the closet? No problem! These thumbs are great for opening louver doors.
My days don’t only revolve around work though—I’m a firm believer in balance and relaxation. I have found that morning exercise puts a frisk in your step and makes the rest of the day guilt free for any napping or snacking that may occur. If you are not up for the full jumping and sprinting (bed to nightstand usually makes for the best distance), you can begin with some simple stretching and a thorough bath. The great thing about morning exercises is, they usually create enough ruckus to rouse the human who feeds you. After breakfast, you have the day wide open to do as you please (not forgetting your individual duties of course).
As a P.I. my tasks and trials are many. Not everything that enters the house is quiet or cooperative. Sometimes the humans even scold me for doing my job! Last week, when I was inspecting the lunch items that had been laid on the counter, I was chased from the room with shouts and applause! Humans can be confusing sometimes. Whatever your job is, don’t lose heart if people don’t appreciate you the way they should. Remember the things you love about it and let that be the string you stalk. Personally, the best reward of investigating is satisfying my curiosity. Only after everything has been sniffed and nuzzled can I rest easily—by the window in the sun, on the table, or at the foot of the bed.
A few Purr Tips: (1) Always act endearing in the presence of dinner or a camera. (2) Sleep in the kitchen for optimal snacking. (3) Never get less than fourteen hours of sleep a day. Humans become increasingly irritating at that threshold. (4) If you are feeling lonely, find an open book to sleep on. Someone is bound to come along and pet you sooner rather than later. (5) Always knead cushions with your claws retracted. Humans tend to dislike tears in their furniture (or flesh).
If you take my advice to heart, you will be a charmed celebrity in the home of your human. So chase your tail, dream long, and never give up hope that the food on the high counter can be yours.
Purrfectly yours,
Azure
