At the end of my senior year in high school, I met a guy that swept me off my feet. I was 18, naive and ready to jump into the world of college and find myself. The first month was magical, as it usually is, filled with so many dates and getting to know as much as I could about him. It was all about making memories and falling in love. Every spare moment was spent together watching movies or trying a new restaurant.
Three months into the relationship, he started to get extremely jealous and overbearing. I put up with it and tried my best to be the "best girlfriend" I could be. I was suffocating in my relationship. I was running out of my own air to breathe because every time I turned around, he was right there. In my space and trying to invade my every waking thought. It got to the point where he demanded to know where I was and who I was with at all times. I couldn't be on my phone for too long while we were together because he needed my absolute and complete attention. If I took too long to reply, even if it was 10 minutes, he would get upset. It was terrible.
We broke up one or two times during our almost two-year-long relationship and every time, he would beg and grovel and say that he could be whoever I needed him to be. He promised that things would get better. That together, we would be better. It was so easy to believe him. He was a few years older and charming. No matter what "changes" were made to our relationship, things never improved. Every day I would get upset text messages, and texts that would be demanding to know if one of my guy friends had given me a hug after class.
My grades starting slipping. I was spending all of my time trying to avoid a screaming match instead of looking over my notes and studying. I started to lose sight of my goals and I felt that I was losing myself in the mix. I stopped doing my hair and putting on nice clothes. I completely gave up on makeup altogether, I was too miserable to even attempt to blend my foundation. I was baffled over how something that started so magical, could make me feel like I was less than. It was hard to really explain to people what was going on. My friends who were out of state at a college or in the military weren't home to see how bad things had gotten. I kept my family in the dark because I was almost scared in a way to tell them the truth. I was miserable.
Almost a year ago, I finally built up the courage to cut all ties with him. He thought that I was leaving him for someone else. Throughout the whole relationship, I had always told him that there was no one else but he never believed me and I think that caused a lot of our problems. I stopped replying to his texts, didn't answer any phone calls and could not stop looking over my shoulder. In the first month that we had broken up, he had left two letters under my door at work, had stooped to texting my mother and I was becoming more and more paranoid.
Once I was out of that relationship and on my own again, I started thriving.
I was able to make new friends without fear, I could stop holding my breath and finally breathe. I felt free. Things in my life all started falling into place. I was able to confide in my family and friends about what I had been experiencing, I got into my dream school, and got a car. My life was my own again and I was more myself than ever.
The moral of the story here is that no matter how much you may want to fix things or make things work, you cannot let yourself sink. There has to be a moment where you decide for yourself that it is your turn to take control back and make a change in your life. Even though I didn't reach out for help, I wish I would have. If I could have confided in friends and family, maybe things may have ended even earlier. Don't let the amount of time that you're in a relationship with someone make you feel like you must stay with them. Your own health and safety are always what is most important. There is always a way out. There is always a light at the end of every dark tunnel.
If there is something else even worse going on and you need help, please call the Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence Hotline Number. (301)-429-3601.
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