What You Leave Behind When You Kill Yourself

What You Leave Behind When You Kill Yourself

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When you have a bad day, a lousy week, or maybe you've given it thought and have decided you've had a lousy life, you make a choice that you're simply going to end that life. You want to stop dealing with it, stop living it, stop going through it, and you just don't want to handle it anymore.

So you kill yourself.

Some people decide for whatever reason, they want to do it using a gun. Other people decide for whatever reason, they want to hang themselves somewhere in the house. Some people decide for whatever reason, they want to drive off a cliff. And there are other choices. It sounds morbid to describe the various methods that people use to kill themselves. But I am doing it for a reason.

The reason is simple - To point out that while some of us think that it's an easy way out, that it's something someone hasn't given a thought about, or it's something that someone simply decided to do on a whim, there really is more behind it than that. It takes creativity. It takes genius. It takes some serious thought. And it takes some intelligence. If someone wants to hang themselves, it involves figuring out how to make it work where they won't fail. If someone wants to shoot themselves, they have to figure out how to make it work to where they won't fail. Because if someone wants to do it bad enough, they don't want to end up sticking around being brain dead, being a vegetable, and not being able to do anything on their own.

But one thing people don't seem to take into account when they want to kill themselves is that they don't ask themselves a simple question - What are they going to leave behind when they kill themselves. And maybe if you give that some thought, you should think about it as well. What are you going to leave behind when you kill yourself?

By this point and time, you may have stopped reading. But then again, maybe you haven't. Because maybe at some time in your life, you've given it some thought. Maybe you hated life. Maybe you hated people around you. Maybe you wanted to kill yourself too. And you just saw what I'd asked - What you leave behind when you kill yourself. Maybe that's why you didn't do it. You thought about who you'd leave behind. You thought about what people would think about you. Maybe you even wondered how it would feel when you did it. I can't answer those questions. I don't know. Because I'm not you.

But maybe if people gave it some thought before they actually decided to carry through with it, they would reconsider, and maybe they wouldn't do it. Because if they knew the answer to that question, they might not want to put someone through that. They wouldn't want to make someone have to deal with it. They wouldn't want their family to suffer. They wouldn't want their friends to cry. They wouldn't want people to go to a funeral and have to ask everyone else why it happened, or did anyone know, or why would he/she do it, or what was so bad that they wanted to stop living.

Maybe you didn't want everyone asking the question that I've asked - What do you leave behind when you kill yourself.

Think about it.

Just take a moment and think about it.

Don't do it. Even if you want to do it. Don't.

Think about it.

Just take moment and think about it.

Maybe take two minutes to think about it. Maybe take an hour.

Maybe you should give it a day.

Think about it.

What do you leave behind when you kill yourself.

If you're married, you leave behind a wife.

If you have children, you leave them without a father or mother.

If you have friends, you leave them behind wondering why you did something like what you did.

If you have never been married, maybe you think you are leaving nothing behind.

But think about it.

Don't do it.

Just think about it.

You want to kill yourself.

But what do you leave behind when you kill yourself.

If you hang yourself from the ceiling, someone is going to find your body.

If you shoot yourself in the head, someone is going to have to clean it up.

If you decide to drive off a cliff, someone is going to have to clean up the mess.

If you decide to swallow pills, someone is going to find you in the bath tub, bedroom or whever you want to do it.

If you decide to do it. You leave behind one thing.

You.

This might be a simple decision that you are going to make. You want to die. You don't want to see tomorrow. You don't want to suffer. You don't want to go through anymore pain. You just simply don't want to wake up again.

But you are going to leave you behind.

You are going to leave behind unanswered questions.

You are going to leave behind bills.

You are going to leave behind debt.

You are going to leave behind friends.

You are going to leave behind family.

You are going to leave behind your pets if you have some.

You are going to leave behind a house. A yard. Belongings. Things that will remind people of you forever.

Before you decide to do it, ask yourself a question.

What will you leave behind when you kill yourself.

Everyone leaves something. Everyone leaves someone. And that's enough to make you maybe want to ask the important question before you carry through with something like this.

Do you want to see tomorrow?

Do you want to suffer if you fail trying to do it?

Do you want to know if life will get better?

Do you want to see friends you haven't seen in awhile?

Do you want to say goodbye to your family before you go?

Do you want to mow the yard?

Do you want to shovel the walk?

Do you want to feed your pets?

Do you want to pay your bills and not leave someone trying to figure them out?

Do you want to............

Ask yourself a question.

What do you leave behind when you kill yourself.

Once you do it, there is no going back.

There is no erasing the decision.

There is no starting over.

Before you decide to make a decision that is life-changing and forever, ask yourself a question.

What do you leave behind when you kill yourself?

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One minute I'm thinking about what I want to do after college next thing I know I'm remembering the time I tried talking to a boy and choked on my spit.

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It is one of those nights when I am tired, but for some reason, I can't seem to fall asleep. So, what do I do? I pull out my laptop, and I begin to write. Who knows where it will lead. It could lead to a killer article or something that does not make sense. I mean it is almost 2 A.M. In my mind, that's pretty late.

Anyways, let's do this thing.

Like many people, thoughts seem to pile up in my head at this time. It could be anything from a time when I was younger to embarrassing stories to wondering why I am "wasting" my time somewhere to thoughts about the future. All of these things come at me like a wildfire. One minute I'm thinking about what I want to do after college next thing I know I'm remembering the time I tried talking to a boy and choked on my spit.

The thought that is going through my mind as I write this is about the future. It's about the future of my fears. Let me explain. I have multiple fears. Some of my fears I can hide pretty well, others I am terrible at hiding. My fears may seem silly to some. While others might have the same fears. Shall we start?

1. My career

I don't know where to begin with this one. For as long as I can remember, my consistent dream job has been working in the world of sports, specifically hockey. A career in sports can be and is a challenging thing. The public eye is on you constantly. A poor trade choice? Fans are angry. Your team sucks? "Fans" are threatening to cheer for someone else if you can't get your sh*t together. You can be blamed for anything and everything. Whether you are the coach, general manager, owner, it does not matter. That's terrifying to me, but for some reason, I want to work for a team.

2. My family

Julie Fox

Failing with my family, whether that be the family I was born into or my future family, it terrifies me. I have watched families around me fall apart and I have seen how it has affected them. Relationships have fallen apart because of it. I have heard people talk about how much they hate one of their parents because of what happened. I don't want that.

3. Time

This could be a dumb fear. I'm not sure, but I fear time. With every minute that passes, I am just another minute closer to the end. With every day that passes that I am not accomplishing goals or dreams I have, I am losing precious time. It scares me to think of something horrible like "What if I die tomorrow because of something horrific?" or even worse, "What if I don't make it through today?" It's terrible, I know.

4. Forgetting precious memories

When I was younger, I had brain surgery. It is now much harder for me to remember things. I am truly terrified that I am going to forget things I will want to hold close to me forever, but I won't be able to. I am scared I'll forget about the little things that mean a lot. I'm afraid of forgetting about old memories that may disappear. I'm worried that I'll forget about something like my wedding day. That might seem out of this world, but it's a reality for me.

5. Saying "goodbye"

I hate saying bye. It is one of my least favorite things. Saying bye, especially to people I don't know when I'll see again, is a stab in the heart for me. I love my people so much. I love being around them. I love laughing with them. Thought of never having a hello with them again scares me beyond belief.

6. Leaving places that I love

Alright, let me start off by saying this- it takes a lot for me to love a place. It has to feel like home. It has to make me feel comfortable. It has to be a place I can go to and be myself. Thankfully, I have had and still have multiple places that are like that. I have also had places I could not wait to leave. I think that's why leaving places I love is so hard and something I fear so much. I am afraid I'll never get that place "back", for lack of a better term. I guess, I'm trying to say, it's like a piece of me is leaving as well.




These six things are just the start of my fears. Some of these might seem "dumb" or "ridiculous" to you, but for me, it's my life. These are the things that I think about the most. These are the things that feel like a pit in my stomach. These six things are parts of my life that mean a lot to me.

Cover Image Credit:

Emily Heinrichs

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