Yesterday, I woke up with my eyes heavy from tears. I sat up and realized it was only a dream. In this dream, you had one day to come back down to earth to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. One more day of love, horrible advice, and those bear hugs that always seemed to make everything better. Sitting there, wiping my eyes dry, I had to face the fact again that my daddy is really gone.
When the loss of a parent first happens, it’s the most earth-shattering experience. The way I explain it to people is a small piece of my heart was taken from me that day, and the spot where it once thrived now aches each and every day for that warmth and love to return. In the beginning, we think locking ourselves away for a while will make it all ok. In reality, the longer we wait to begin coping, the harder it gets.
The worst days in the grieving process are when memories or stories start to become blurred or fuzzy. For me, the worst day of the entire grieving process was when I realized I couldn’t remember what your laugh sounded like. The laugh that would fill an entire room with light and the laugh which usually followed your usually horrible jokes. But nowhere inside of me could I remember it, and I felt so ashamed. I felt like I had let you slip away from me. I cried for almost an entire day after that.
However, within the following week, I was lucky enough to stumble across a quote that would change my perspective on it all. “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” That’s when something clicked in my head; it was a mindset that I quickly adopted to make life less painful. In order to live to your own full potential, you have to be strong. Since in this situation, being strong is the only option I have, I face each and every day with grief and an open mind. It's slowly getting easier.
Waking up each day is a reminder of that missing piece of your life's puzzle. But as each day goes by, you start to remember how to feel things other than sadness. You get out of bed and really appreciate what you still have; from your amazing family and friends, to a thriving college education. With each day that passes, you learn to live for them, not without them. That’s when life seems to have so much more purpose because now you know you truly have a guardian angel watching you thrive and become the amazing person they raised you to be. Living every day with that as my motivation makes me want to strive for bigger and better things.
Live each day with a personal motto to embrace your good days and pull you out of you bad. Little did I know that mine would be my first tattoo I ever got before this loss happened. “God gives is toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.” These are the words that motivate me every day, now it's your turn to find your little piece of wisdom too!
