Going into my senior year of college was going to be tough for me, I was letting go of the one thing I have always loved most for the past twelve years, music. For most, music just doesn’t fit when they get to college because it is so time consuming and you have to put in a lot of effort to be on par with the music students. For me, music was a release and I didn’t have to study it to do it in college full time. I became involved in concert band, marching band, and various ensembles, playing French horn in concert band and ensembles and mellophone in marching band.

Band wasn’t just an activity for me, it was my life, my friends were there and I had passion for it. As senior year came closer, I knew I didn’t have time to continue on in the programs. I looked around a little bit for a community program but nothing really fit into my schedule. I taught myself to not like it as much, I came up with reasons why it was wasting my time and I started skipping rehearsals to detach and pull away from the programs I was in. I came in with a bad attitude and left as soon as I could. I left graduation in the middle last year to have one last “rebellious” music act. I lost myself whether it was me, a combination of my attitude and me not really liking the new band director, or me just having a part of my life where I was so fed up with everyone and I really had nothing to lose. Regardless, I was angry and I ruined the best part of my life

I lost friendships and I lost respect. I’ve always been that person who is friends with everyone and everyone knew for hanging around the music building all the time. It is true that I have much more limited time because on my pending graduation but I’ve lost touch with numerous people and I don’t really fit in the same way anymore.

Why am I examining all of these feelings now? I’ve pushed them out for so long but I feel like I’m lying to myself and the couple of friends that I still have within these programs. Last night, I went to my school’s football game. Mind you, this was the first game that I have been to in eight years that I was not in the marching band for. I’ve pushed out my passion for music and forgot why I started playing and why I loved it so much. Seeing my friends on the field flooded me with memories of band camps, activities with the band, marching on the field, playing in the stands, and being who I am with the best people in the world.

I guess what I’m trying to say with all of this is, I miss band. I miss playing. I miss being so passionate about something that I was willing to drop anything for it. Don’t take any of this stuff for granted, one day it will be gone and no matter how hard you try to block it out or rationalize quitting something you love, the guilt and loneliness isn’t worth the regret or longing. Just appreciate it.

Thank you music for giving me family, mentors, and happiness.