Sometimes I reach up and feel my face. I run my fingertips along my cheeks, my chin, my forehead, and feel immense satisfaction and joy that it feels soft, smooth, and most importantly pimple free. For 3 years I have struggled with bad acne. That picture up there is me at age 17, taking a picture to document my progress with my acne treatment. I had mild-moderate acne on and off throughout my teenage years. It got really bad when I moved to Las Vegas when I was 16. I had pimples, zits and all sorts of abscesses along my cheeks, chin, and forehead. I did my best to cover them with makeup but there were days I didn’t want to even go outside. It wasn’t necessarily that I felt ugly. I just felt utterly disgusting. My face was cluttered with scabs and sacs of pus; the putrid remains of the battle my immune system had undertaken on a microscopic level. The effects of this battle were not so microscopic.

My dad is a doctor and gave me a few medicines to try. I never went as far as Accutane but I tried many other prescription drugs to fight off the acne. Finding the right combination of medicine takes a while. For me it took several months to settle on the right medicines with the right concentrations and the right dosages. After that it was another few months before my acne really started to clear up and I saw a real difference. I had to be patient and trust that the medicine would take time and that I would see results. My routine was: medicated facewash day and night, a pill day and night, a medicated cream day and night after the face wash, a medicated gel every night (which would sting), and moisturizer day and night.

I remember a particularly terrible week during the experimental phase of acne treatment when I tried salicylic acid wipes. They worked perfectly fine for my little brother but they dried out my skin so much my face began to peel. I was horrified and did not want to go anywhere or see anyone. Maybe that sounds shallow or insecure but it felt like and looked like my face was peeling off my head. I had dandruff on my entire face. No amount of makeup made a bit of difference so at church I went to nursery with my mom to take care of the little toddlers who wouldn’t judge as much as I thought the adults would.

I learned some lessons during my war on acne. I learned to worry about my appearance only in my bedroom and bathroom. I’d do as much as I could to cover up my acne and look presentable but as soon as I walked out the door I was determined to no longer worry about it. I wasn’t going to check my makeup in the rearview mirror, I wasn’t going to pop pimples in the public restrooms, and I most certainly was not going to stress about what others were thinking about my face. It wasn’t easy getting to that point and it definitely took some time and mental training. But eventually I was able to walk through my front door and stop thinking about me and my appearance and instead start thinking about others.

I also noticed other people who also had bad acne and how I never really thought about it when I talked to them. Maybe if it was particularly severe but in most cases I just didn’t really notice it. It didn’t matter. It’s like something you notice initially about somebody but after a while it just becomes part of what they look like. For example if you meet somebody who is particularly tall or large or has bright pink hair or five piercings in their left eyebrow or a giant, obvious birthmark. You notice it at first, but after a while you stop seeing Jenny-with-the-pink-hair and only see Jenny.

The big thing I learned was that my acne didn’t define me. It may have been a part of my face but it definitely wasn’t a part of who I was on the inside. My acne didn’t make me less valuable, less beautiful, less intelligent, or have less worth. It was not any kind of punishment or an outward reflection of personal flaws. Sometimes it just happens through no fault of our own. One of my brothers has perfect skin. But he struggled with bad dandruff. Neither of these problems made us less of a person. If anything, these problems are what make us human. Everybody struggles with problems like these; dry skin, greasy hair, inability to lose weight, lack of athletic ability, stinky feet, body odor, lots of body hair, etc.

My advice to all of you who may be struggling with acne or any other insecurity about your body is this: never let it distract you from what’s important. Don’t let it take control of your life. Be as healthy as you can be and don’t give up trying to find healthy solutions, but please don’t let it encompass your thoughts and priorities. And don’t get caught up with what other’s think of you. If they really know you and care about you, it won’t matter to them. My acne is much better than it used to be, but it's still an ongoing struggle for me. I still have to use acne medicine and wash my face twice a day. But at least now when I do breakout, I don’t have to worry about showing my face in public. Everybody gets zits once in a while, but I refuse to let my acne get in the way of living my life.