Self-confidence. This is something that I believe a lot of girls struggle with, even if the reasons are different. My reason for no self-confidence? My body-image and how I view myself.

I have not had self-confidence in a long time. In middle school, one of my so-called friends decided that she would try to “help” me not be so emotional. I am an emotional and sensitive person, always have been. With her trying to help me keep my emotions in, I lost a lot of my self-esteem and confidence. She also tried to tell me to change how I look. I had short, layered hair and glasses. She said that I should grow my hair out, get rid of the layers, and get contacts instead of wearing glasses. I did not listen to her on those though. I did my hair how I wanted, and I kept my glasses. Yes, I have tried contacts a few times (they just aren’t for me) and I have changed my hair style many times.

Entering high school was a different story. I didn’t have to try with my looks, at least for the most part. It was the same outfit every day, a polo and pants or a long skirt, and I didn’t wear makeup. I tried to wear make up a few times for homecoming and winter formal, but that was just eye shadow. I learned that I hate makeup, and can’t stand to have anything on my face, besides my glasses.

My low self-esteem continued though. I hated my body image – still do, but not as much. I hated that I have a stomach that is not flat. I hated taking pictures. My face looked too chubby in pictures, and if I was turned a certain way, I could see my stomach in the picture. I started wearing clothes that were a size large. I struggled with dresses. On days that I could wear I dress, I would probably change three to five times before making up my mind. I hated that in most dresses I looked fat. I also hated wearing shorts in public because my thighs are fat. Walking a mile down the road to the grocery store in the summer was difficult for me, as I would wear shorts, and they would slide up my thighs a lot. Pulling my shorts down looked weird (at least in my mind), because I was walking down the street.

In the beginning of senior year of high school, I weighed about 145 and hated it. I took candy out of my diet, and was able to stick with it. I tried eating healthy foods, but I didn’t stay on that path long. I walked home from the bus stop almost every day, kind of had to because I didn’t have a car, but I didn’t mind. By the end of senior year, I was down to 135. I was so happy that I lost weight. But that didn’t stick. That summer, I sat at a desk. I didn’t walk as much, I didn’t do much to stick to that weight or losing more. At the end of the summer, I was back to 145.

Entering college wasn’t much different. Except for the fact that I actually had to pick an outfit out and not just pull a colored polo-shirt and skirt out of my closet. When eating most meals, my diet wasn’t the healthiest. I started not eating much. In high school, I rarely ate breakfast because I wasn’t hungry. But when entering college, I started snacking. I didn’t eat many meals, but snacked on what I had in my room.

Here I am now. I am a second semester freshman. I have gotten more comfortable with my body. I have slowly started going away from the way too big t-shirts, and towards smaller shirts that are my size. I have started eating better, with some sweets and sugar everyday (especially Dr. Pepper), and I eat every meal (at least most days). I ended up getting gluten-free food, and have been eating a mostly gluten-free diet for a month now. I was at a steady weight of 145 until I got rid of gluten, and am now down to 135 again.

The song "Try" by Colbie Caillat helped me a lot from the moment I heard it. The lyrics have so much meaning in them, and for me it's saying that you don't have to try to be beautiful and to please others. The beginning of the song is talking about having to dress up, do your make-up and hair, and run more in order for people to like you. Things turn around at the end of the song, and it's more about having to like yourself and not dress up for others. "Try" has truly meant so much to me and getting me to realize that I don't have to change how I look and who I am.

I am starting to be more comfortable with my body, and how I look. I take selfies (a lot of them). I have slowly gotten my self-confidence back. Yes, there are days that I do struggle with my body-image, and there are days where it takes a good thirty minutes of changing clothes to finally pick something, but I am happy with myself. I am still working towards a goal of 130 pounds, and to get candy out of my life along with down to a couple of sodas a week, but that is going to be a process.

I have been told that I look so different now since my senior year pictures were taken, and I do notice it. I’m not as “chubby” now as in those pictures.