Honestly, I struggle with anxiety. It is something I don’t really share. Sometimes, I feel stressed and anxious just talking about it. It makes me feel weak, vulnerable, and broken. However, my journey, like many others, is meant to be shared, meant to help someone else down a path that I had to create for myself, a path that I am still crafting.

I was always a more hesitant, timid kid. As a child, I was the tattle tale. Every childhood friend group had one. I was always scared of the unknown, or the uncertain. I didn’t want to take even a slight risk of getting into trouble. I didn’t want to test my boundaries or my fears.

Growing older, I stayed more hesitant, but grew more spontaneous. I felt that if I was spontaneous enough, I could trick myself out of worrying so much. Most times, it worked, but other times, it would come back to bite me in the butt. Sometimes, it would make me more anxious than ever.

I was always overwhelmingly stressed. In high school, I would stress over how stressed I was, as ridiculous as that sounds. My worries seemed to grow, nearly consuming me at times. I recall my first day of junior year. I was in tears, sobbing on my bed that night, trying to piece together why I felt like my best wasn’t enough. I honestly thought I wouldn’t be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or friendly enough. Looking back on that night, I wish I could go give myself a pep talk. I was enough. All of that stress and sorrow was over nothing. Everything turned out okay.

Here I am, sitting in college, still wondering if I will be enough, but looking back, and forward, I feel reassured that, no matter what happens, everything will be okay.

Though mildly present throughout my life, my anxiety didn’t truly set in until I began my college career. I’m not sure why. My first day of college I had a huge anxiety attack. I began hyperventilating, crying, and I couldn’t stop. I had no appetite. I’m sure my mom was scared to death, leaving her daughter at college in the midst of a panic attack. She stayed with me as long as she could, trying to wait it out until I was emotionally stable. Eventually, I was able to calm down.

I, surprisingly, was fine the rest of my first semester. No stress. A’s in all of my classes. I don’t know what changed between my first day and the rest, but something did.

Then, as I became more obsessive about school, the anxiety came back. It was like a switch that could be turned on and off. My second semester of college I would get really anxious. Perhaps it was the pills I was on, or perhaps it was just me, I don’t really know. But, what I do know is that I didn’t want it to stop me from living my life. I would push myself to go to class, to work, and to hang out with friends. I would push myself to the point of nausea, and even vomiting. I would make myself sick to do the things I wanted to do.

That’s when I decided to take action. I felt tired of the anxiety. I wanted to fully live out my life without the repercussions of panic attacks and nausea. I didn’t want it to have such a big part in my life. I started testing out various coping tactics, hoping to take control of my own body, my own feelings.

After hours of research, I found techniques that work really well for me. I used the process of trial and error to help myself in gaining my life back. Some of these techniques include deep breathing, imagery, meditation.

Though I still struggle with it at times, I am getting better. I will not let anxiety choose how I live my life. That is for me to decide.

To anyone else struggling with anxiety, this is your life. No matter what it feels like, you can take back what is yours, because the truth is, you never really lost it. Anxiety is an uphill fight, but you can find victory within. You only get one life, so make the most of it.