To better explain how dark a suicidal person can be feeling, with or without medication, I am going to share some very personal poems from a dark place in my life. Please understand that the first medication someone is on is usually not the best treatment, as in my case. If someone reaches out for help, do not ignore their cries. Mine were answered VERY late in high school and I'm lucky to be alive today.

These are not the darkest poems but I also want people to see that there is a way out of the spiraling despair many people face. I'm not healed, I never will be; but I came out on top of my mental illnesses and suicidal behavior and continue to fight to stay that way. There is hope in a happy future, no matter how you feel right now. You just have to want to fight for it.

Don't be afraid to reach out for help, you could save your own life.

2/8/13, 10:57 PM

Had a scary thought just then, felt as if it was worth recording

Shook my bones, world closing in

I need help, I keep crying

I'm reaching out, but nobody knows what to say

Talking to a wall, wasting my life away

I saw a vision, a dream, of me

Swallowing pills, handfuls, like candy

I've never thought of that before

I've thought of drowning, bleeding, and falling

Never like this, what the hell is going on?

I'm so freaking sick of this

Am I insane, what's wrong with me?

I'm tired, in pain, scared, and frustrated

I'm going to sleep to protect myself.

*5/3/13 I saw a psychologist for the first time in my life, after begging for help for years. I was prescribed Zoloft and was diagnosed with chronic depression and generalized anxiety disorder.

* 5/4/13, my dad died.

*Later in life, my mom shares that she got me to finally see someone because she thought I would kill myself if my dad died.

8/11/13, time unknown

I don't know what to think anymore

My meds, my friends, my heart, doesn't help anymore

Can't tell what my life is for

My purpose, my strength, all left my mind right out the door

I'm dark, I'm drowning

I'm burning, I'm falling

No one can save me

I don't think I even can

One thing after another, Fate playing her sick and twisted hand

Killing me softly, times are rough

Constantly reminding me that life is tough

I lost my dad, I lost a lot of my friends

I lost my sense of direction

Where do my losses end?

I don't think my medication is working

At first it seemed to, but now I'm worsening

I'm tired and sick all the time,

and more often than not, I want to give up on life

I want to scream and cry, but I've run out of voice and tears

Why does everything turn so depressing? Same pattern over the years

I haven't wrote in a very long time

Not even after my dad, my best friend and hero, died

I thought I could keep it together

I've tried so hard and failed, and now I have to start over

Do you understand how hard that is?

To start from the ground and try again?

To not want to get back up?

To want to tell everyone you've had enough?

Driving home from work today, I had an idea that scared the hell out of me

I was following a curve in the road, and I wanted to go straight and let go

I wanted to crash into a pole, get banged up a little so everyone would know

That the outside now matches the inside, scarred, bruised, tore up beyond repair

People would find me interesting and try to understand

Me, people like me, the way my heart and brain invisibly bleed

The panic and sadness we feel, the cure we so badly need

HELP ME! I'm begging

I want to help myself, but it's becoming too draining

So much work with no result

I want to stop, I know it's not my fault

I don't know why I feel this way, why my will and strength die away

FIX ME, I'm broken, I try to hold myself in one piece

Warm me, I'm frozen, an icy heart is forming to protect me

So much is going on, I don't know where this will end

So, for now, I'll do what I've been doing, push on and play pretend.