My boyfriend is all about this beer called "Dragon's Milk." He's raved about it, claimed it's his favorite, and he's offered me a sip on many occasions. For a beer called "Dragon's Milk" I assumed it would have a majestic taste. I assumed its robustness would radiate through the bottle and into my soul, creating a beer experience that rivals slaying an actual dragon (or milking one...those dragon udders can be dodgy, I've heard).
And you know what?
It tasted like roadkill.
Ryan thinks it's the bee's knees, and I think it ranks right up there with "getting hit by a bus" and "substituting a beehive for a pinata" on the list of the worst things ever.
I tried to like craft beer, or, as my mother calls it "cool people beer." (Author's note: is it even "craft beer", or is it called "micro brews"? Are craft beers and micro brews the same thing? Are they really micro?) The first party I attended my freshman year, an upperclassman offered me a pumpkin beer. As the crisp autumn air swirled around my body, I pictured myself happily sipping this cool person beer with this boy on a porch, talking about philosophical things, our tastes in music, etc. I pictured him admiring my maturity as I drank that special pumpkin beer.
I thought the beer would taste like pumpkin pie. I didn't expect it to taste like the manure the pumpkins grew in.
Maybe I just have the world's meekest palate. The only kinds of alcohol I can stomach are those brightly colored Mike's Hard Lemonades (which, by extension, include the "Strawberry Lemonade" and "Black Cherry Lemonade" flavors, the latter of which is the best of the best). Maybe I'm just young and inexperienced, and one day the ability to detect whether or not a beer has "dark chocolate" or "caramel" undertones will be bestowed unto me. Or maybe not. But, in my (few) years of drinking sugary little drinks, I have learned that it is totally fine if you don't like craft beer.
Let me set the scene: it's August, and I'm up north with a few friends. We all sit around a bonfire, and everyone has drinks. Andrew has an exceptionally cool beer. He has only one. A lone ranger, bottled and cold. He takes a sip, and he loves it. "Hey, what do you have there?" someone asks Andrew. "Exceptionally Cool Beer*!" replies Andrew. (*not the name of the actual beer) "Lemme try!" says the other guy, who will be referred to from this point forward as Shitty Beer Snatcher (SBS for short). SBS exclaims that he really loves the beer, and asks where it's from. SBS then passes the beer to another friend, that friend takes a sip. And soon, everyone's talking about the brewery that produced the Exceptionally Cool Beer, and then Andrew wrangles it back and there's hardly any left.
And no one messed with my little lemonade.
I'm from Kalamazoo: Land of the Breweries. We have Bell's, Gonzo's, Rupert's Brew House, just to name a few. Whenever my friends and I are all home, we like to go out to eat. We're all poor college students, whose parents (who we stay with while we're back in the 'zoo') are varying degrees of strict, from "go to bed now" if we come home drunk, to "you aren't our daughter anymore." Put all these facts together, coupled with the fact that some people aren't 21 and some people's fake IDs look like they came from a kids' arts and crafts table, and one thing is certain: I'm sticking to Bell's berry sodas. Sure, friends, mock me all you want, but I'm A.) not getting arrested and B.) using the money I saved on my non-alcoholic drink to purchase spinach dip.
Maybe I'll share, maybe I won't.
I figure I have many years left for my palate to spread its little wings, and start to appreciate craft beer. Perhaps one day, I'll join Ryan and all my friends at the big kids' table, where we'll sip micro brews till we can't stand up anymore. Perhaps one day, I'll actually know what a "malted stout" is.
That day is not today.
*clinks bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade*
(P.S. Maybe you all can help me! What are some beers that my weak palate might enjoy? I am open to all suggestions, because I'm approaching the age where slugging alcoholic fruit punch is considered mildly socially unacceptable.)
