Martin Luther, the father of the Protestant Reformation, was wise about more things than just theology. He once said, “Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!”
How about that for a quote for International Beer Day? As a student at a Catholic, Jesuit institution of higher learning, it is hard for me to come up with a case against distilled barley if that stuff will one day escort me through the pearly gates. So, I dedicate this article to all college-aged beer drinkers, especially those good, religious ones at Marquette University.
What does your choice of beer say about you?
PBR:
You use the phrase, "That's so ironic" to refer to things that really aren't ironic at all. You probably study English or Film because, let's face it, for you, life is all about financial security (that's irony, folks). You're on the look out for a Bon Iver vinyl to listen to while you write your daily sonnet on a vintage typewriter. Or, you're a lumberjack—a flannel-donning, beard-growing, pancake-and-real-maple-syrup-eating lumberjack.
Coors:
You're a cheap granola. You like the idea of Colorado, and so you drink the beer that is brewed with "pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water" because it makes you feel close to nature. Or, maybe you just like your beer to be really freaking cold. Like, "chiseled out of the side of a snowy mountain" cold.
Miller:
Either you're from Milwaukee or you're so refined that, if you simply must stoop to the level of beer-drinking peasant, you reach exclusively for "the champagne of beers."
Budweiser:
You're an American flag waving NASCAR fan with a big truck and an even bigger collection of Realtree camo. You've seriously thought about getting an ass tattoo, and you're searching for your Trap Queen (you think that means a female who knows how to shoot a gun).
Natty:
Yup, you just pathetically forced a confident, "I-Look-22-Don't-I" expression as you (frantically) sifted through the contents of your wallet (a Subway gift card, a university ID, one Trojan and the three single dollar bills that you accidentally ran through the wash last week) to find the overpriced South Carolina fake that your friend printed for you in his basement last weekend. You pray he didn't notice your hands shaking as you slid it across the counter and silently hope that this dude doesn't ask you to recite your address. Worth it for the sick BP match you're hosting in your shoe-box sized dorm room on Friday.
Corona:
You prefer tequila, but if it is a beer kind of event, you'll take a Corona. You are into Jimmy Buffet and bucket hats and Ray-Bans, and you live by the motto, "It's five o'clock somewhere."
Redd's:
You drink this because it is the only socially acceptable beer to have with your eggs in the morning on a Tuesday. I mean, it's practically breakfast juice.
Guinness:
Your go-to non-alcoholic beverage is black coffee, and you describe Guinness as your "favorite kind of milk shake." If you are a college student, you definitely started drinking this after your study abroad experience in Europe. After all, it gives you an excuse to tell your non-worldly peers—for the hundredth time—about that one night you had a Guinness in Dublin. If you're not Irish or a post-study abroad college student, you're a middle-aged man who drinks a Guinness at dinner with his still-bleeding steak.
Blue Moon:
You're trying to be classy, so you buy Blue Moon because it comes in a bottle. It is about as close to a craft beer that you can afford, but you pretend it would be your first choice anyway. TIP: Order it with an orange wedge if you really want to be impressive.
As always, whatever your choice of beer says about you, drink responsibly folks.
