As someone who has struggled with anorexia in the past, I can wholeheartedly say that eating is definitely not the easiest thing in the world. It almost feels like giving in to your enemy. And eating becomes this difficult again when you are aware that you are doing personal training sessions every week and know that you want to lose weight. But the funny question that I never stopped to ask myself was, "But why do I want to lose weight?" I guess the easier, more surface level answer would be, "to look more attractive" or "to feel pretty". Unfortunately, there is a deeper answer that has yet to be concealed. I realized I wanted to lose weight as a feeling of revenge towards those who always judged me for my appearance..
Being judged in society today is way too common. You can never get by on a walk to the grocery store, without having someone crunch their nose at the shoes you are wearing or the pants that you just bought a day ago. Whether we like to admit it or not, we certainly live under a microscope. And the microscope tends to run deeper sometimes when we mess up. For example, if someone trips and falls on the way to the grocery store, the lens on the microscope is going to be more intense and unbearable. That is probably when we decide we need to run to the bathroom and lock ourselves up with a stuffed animal to cry on. And what makes it worse is that, every single day feels like walking on the red carpet of shame. There are always going to be people who will shame you for being you, whether you like it or not. I came to learn that the hard way, when I realized I needed to start personal training.
Growing up in an Asian household, it is very difficult to get by without being called "fat". Unfortunately, it has been rooted in Asian family traditions to be more harsh about the children's appearance. And well, let's just say that still happens in my home. As someone who had anorexia in the past, I am always standing in the center of the bridge that is going both ways towards eating less or eating the same amount. It sometimes feels like rocket science to decide which route to take. I often have an urge to eat less, but I also know better and that eating less is going to put me back in my old anorexia habits. I am also not too proud of the starvation habits I have accumulated during the time I had anorexia. There was always a new one adding up each day and pretty soon there was enough for them all to fit in a mailbox, if they were written on paper.
I always tell myself that sometimes it's okay to throw plastic wrap on the microscopes, meaning that it's okay to disregard the people who may judge me for my appearance. It is true that the plastic wrap may wear off but my dignity and confidence hopefully won't. I have never wanted to become a people-pleaser but my past anorexia habits have kind of made me one. It was only until I looked in the mirror one day a couple of weeks ago, that I was able to break free from this mindset. For one of the fewest times in my life, I felt enough. And when I walked out of my home, I didn't feel like I was on a microscope. I felt like I was on a fresh petri dish, ready to be put in a container. And I am guessing that container is the container of liberation.