This article is not meant to bash my family, my mother, or those of mental disorders but these are my personal experiences and how I dealt with them. I feel though this is an important topic to talk about because I know I am not the only one going through this. Family dynamics and issues are always hard subjects to touch upon. For me, my mother has always been the touchy subject. It took up until now for me to stop blaming myself for someone who was not in control of their own actions.

Growing up, I didn’t have a typical childhood. I was raised not to speak to my sister or really have a relationship with her. I couldn’t go outside like all the normal kids could. My mother and father didn’t show much affection to one another and fought often. I wasn’t always treated the best because sometimes I ended up being the person anger was taken out on. Eventually middle school years hit, and I made friends. I would start to hang out with these friends and go to their houses. It was weird at first, their parents liked each other and they could go play on their bikes whenever they wanted to without much fuss. I would go back home and would become so angry because I didn’t have the same. I thought my family was normal when in reality it was anything but. My family dynamic was, and still is, unstable. In the beginning, family members would tell me I was just going through a phase of disliking my mother. Years progressed and so did my anger towards my mom. She made me feel disgusted in myself, she would compare me to other girls and tear me down. I felt irrelevant and ugly. She would call me a chink, say I should be working in the rice patties, and pull the side of her eyes out to make fun of my Asian eyes. For so long, she made me hate being the race I was, as if I was less than her because it. Every flaw of mine she would point out and make it known to everyone she could. Those weren’t the worse things she’s done to me. There is a series of events and painful memories I try to erase from my mind. But how can I erase what haunts me when it still happens to this very day?

Little did I know she had a mental illness. I never understood why she treated me the way she did up until a little bit ago (now I am 18 years old, I am no longer that same little middle schooler). High school years got really bad. From recording me crying and replaying it in front of others to prohibiting the shower and many more things, life all of a sudden took a turn for the worse. In the beginning of high school, I didn’t know how to deal with the daily harassments and mental abuse. I’ve done many things I am not proud of such as self-harming, punching walls and breaking objects.

I was such an angry hateful person at home, but at school, I became the best actress. My problem was I didn’t want to ask for help nor did I want to feel like a burden to others. I didn’t want to look like an attention-seeker or like I was making this stuff up to be spiteful against my mother. No therapist could help me in the way I thought I needed help. I felt unfixable like a shattered window pane. Anyone I would usually open up to would just give me generic responses or solution ideas. “Just don’t listen to her,” they would say. How could I ignore someone who was in my room at 12 a.m. screaming at me claiming I was a drug addict when I’ve never touched a hard drug a day in my life?

Now, I could go on and on about all the things she has done wrong to me, but here is the light at the end of the tunnel. Special people in my life offered me the support and guidance I needed to get through high school and still to this very day. Recently, I have finally come to understand that I can’t control someone who’s not even in control of themselves. Mental illnesses are difficult to comprehend, even the smartest doctors don't have all the answers yet. With that in mind, it took me a while to be able to sit back and see that it is not my fault. I could be the best child in the world but with a person such as my mother, she would overlook that and only focus on the negative parts about me.

Also, instead of bottling up the pain, it is OK to not be OK and ask for help. Never ever be afraid to take help when it is offered to you. Remember you are not alone. I helped myself by focusing on me for once. I started doing things to take my mind off of home such as creating Pinterest boards, writing and setting goals for my future. I stopped the self-pity and shortly after things slowly started looking up. I am not a victim, I am the one making a better life for myself and prospering every step of the way. One day maybe she will get the help she needs but maybe she won’t. It is hard seeing someone you care about go through something so difficult and have no way of helping them. At the same time, people can always have the option to help themselves and if they don’t want to, sometimes there’s just nothing to do about it. It is OK to remove yourself from toxic situations. You can’t pick your family as they say but you can pick how to spend the rest of your life. Do you want to be the victim or survivor?