Everything we have ever heard has told us that being there and doing things for other people is the best way to achieve true happiness. That every time we sacrifice our time or money or resources to help someone else is the best thing we can do. And that ever doing anything for ourselves is just selfish.
Selfishness is a trait that is viewed as being negative and undesirable. We are quick to call people selfish if they don't immediately support a cause we're interested in or if they aren't being friendly. And while there are some people whose selfishness does make them terrible people and exactly the kind of friends we don't want to have, there is a benefit to being a little bit selfish. It's necessary in order to maintain good self-care. Selfishness has developed a negative connotation that has led to several people being stuck in situations or relationships that are less than ideal because they are afraid that getting themselves out will be viewed as selfish act.
This is something I struggled with for so long. Anytime anyone needed me for anything, I was there. I felt stressed and exhausted and strained and I didn't know why.It wasn't until I realized I was doing so much for other people that I wasn't taking the time to do anything for myself. I'm working on being a little nicer to myself and have figured out that the people who are really my friends understand when I need to say no or take a day off and just do me,
I've learned that I can still be a good, loyal friend without spreading myself too thin. And since I'm not burning myself out, maybe I'm even better. I'm learning not to look at "selfishness" as a negative trait, but more as a mechanism of self-care. I'm not using selfishness as an excuse to hurt people, and I'm not letting their selfishness hurt me.
The hardest part was figuring out when it was OK to be selfish.
You might be in a position at work where you are taking on extra shifts or working overtime because you don't want to be seen as selfish for saying no. For this reason, you might find yourself slowly hating the job more and more and burning out more quickly, both mentally and physically. Remind yourself that it is okay to say no and take some time yourself. Do not allow yourself to be put into a position where people can take you for granted.
The same can be said for friendships and relationships. If you have a friend or partner who is too clingy or too needy to the point where you feel smothered or trapped, it is okay to leave that relationship. You might feel like you are being selfish, but there is a point where staying in that relationship is doing more harm than good. It is okay to realize that this relationship isn't healthy, and if you don't think it is fixable, it might be for the best to just end it. Staying put can lead to further emotional abuse and you'll just end up resenting that person. Some people are just toxic to your mental and emotional health, and you shouldn't feel you have to put their needs and wants, or anyone's for that matter, above your own.
Spend sometime alone or with a best friend instead of going out with a group. Go out with friends instead of your partner if you're feeling too smothered. Communicate if that is a problem. Whatever you do, take care of yourself first so you can be a better employee, partner, friend.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.
