I have always told myself to stay positive in every situation. If you are reading this, you know that some situations are a lot harder to stay positive in than others. If you think happy, you will be happy...right? Well, at least that’s what I thought. I’ve learned the hard way that pretending you're happy when inside you are the complete opposite does not help, nor cure any pain. While in the moment you may think you are getting better by telling yourself to be happy, or convincing yourself that you are fine, in reality, it makes everything so much worse. I’m not one to talk about my feelings or problems unless I absolutely have to, so all I think and feel stays inside my head. Millions of thoughts and emotions stuck inside my head taking over my mind and body- all hidden with a fake smile slapped on my face telling everyone that I’m okay. I never want anyone to worry about me. Everyone has other problems they have to deal with and plus, there are only a select few who understand what all this truly feels like anyways. I tend to deny all help people offer me saying I am okay. Reality is, that is not the case. Not the case at all. When I was sitting down on the phone with my dad one day, I realized something. Something I should have realized long before.
It is okay to not be okay.
All my life I have been known as the happy girl who is always laughing and smiling. Living a carefree, happy life no matter the things I’ve been through. Some people ask me how I manage to stay so positive and happy through it all and how I’ve handled it so well. I never truly know how to respond. I mean, I’m a pretty positive person in general, but I still get sad a lot, I just hide it well. Sometimes, I just try to forget about everything that happened. I try to avoid my problems, and act like everything's okay. While that has worked for a little bit, it’s time I move forward and admit I’m not okay. Instead of covering up my pain and acting like everything is fine, I realized I truly needed to sit down and admit to myself that it is OKAY that I am not okay. I never should have expected to be either. While I may not be okay, that does not mean there’s no room to move forward in life. That is when I realized another thing.
It’s not about moving on, it’s about moving forward.
Death is something you can’t forget, and you never should. It is true though, that time heals everything. With something like death, there may never be moving on. While there is no moving on, you must move forward. Each day better than the previous. Go through life day by day. Having patience through the troubles life throws at you. You are going to be brittle and weak at times, no doubt...but there are also going to be good days. Days where you are smiling a real smile, laughing the same laugh you did before everything happened, and best of all, there will be days when you are going to look back on everything and smile. Not smiling on all the pain and hardships of the death, but a smile looking back on all of the amazing memories, love, and happiness that you’ve shared with the one you lost. For me, in that moment, I realized yet another thing.
Live a life, the one you lost would want you to live.
Smile every moment you can. Laugh at every stupid joke you hear. Think of all the good times in your life as blessings from God. You can’t be sad forever, and you shouldn’t be. I knew right from the day I found out about the passing that I had to be strong. Not only strong for myself, but for the one I lost. As hard as it is to move forward with my life, it truly is what my loved one would have wanted for me. Your loved one would not want to look down on you and see you crying, but you having fun! As hard as it is living without you, I know I must live the life you would want me to live and remember all the amazing things you have taught me throughout all the years you were here on earth with me.
I love you and miss you everyday Mom. Forever and Always.
