“I got a lot of problems with you people and now you’re gonna hear about it!” – Frank Costanza
Let’s get this out of the way real quick before wedding season sneaks up on us in the next month or so. As a gigantic fan of wedding season and all the pomp and pageantry that comes with it, I feel the need to set the record straight on a few things.
Bride and bridesmaids stopping the whole show to do pushups on the dance floor
We now move on to feats of strength. I don’t get this, no really I guess I missed the memo on this one. What’s the deal? Yeah, I know Y’all all did bridal boot camp a total of three times in the six months leading up to the wedding, but what’s this all about? What are you trying to prove? Congratulations, you can do pushups. I’ve been banging out reps and cutting out beer for the last three weeks to look fresh in this tux, so let me step in and join the party. Chest to deck, military-style, diamond cutters, dive bombers, you name it. I get to show off my waning athletic prowess no more than five times a year, so please let me in on this one.
Look, I’m good with this one now. Lord knows I need any excuse I can find to get out of Okieville for a few days. A few years ago, when I didn’t know how a basic annual budget worked, it might have been a different story. I don’t think you’re an awful person if you decide to book it to Puerto Vallarta for a small ceremony and five days of R & R. In fact, I welcome it, I golf clap and offer you a celebratory fist bump. Truthfully, can you ever truly afford stuff like this? I mean, it’s not like that $1,800 I’m spending on plane, hotel, gift and a dope new linen suit could be safely accruing interest in a tax-deferred mutual fund? That thought makes me laugh. If I have to retire a month later than I have already planned I don’t care, I guess the question is will I ever actually be able to retire. Moving on!
Fake laughing pictures
*rubs hands together*
Oh yeah, now we’re talkin’, game on. I’m already having a good time. You know what ruins that good time? The $400 an hour photographer who thinks she’s shooting the Urban Outfitters fall catalog telling me to act like someone just said something really funny. Hey, sister, my friends and I are hilarious. Did you not see us absolutely wrecking shop at the rehearsal dinner? We’ll laugh when whenever we want. You telling us what to do won’t help your case. Read a book just once for me. If you were actually doing your job instead of staging some sort of Men’s Wearhouse stock photo bonanza, you might actually catch us enjoying each other’s company. I just straightened the groom’s tux. I flashed a million dollar smile while making the nervous ring bearer giggle. Those were prime 100+ like cover photo material and you blew it. You should be paying me for all the Instagram gold I’m laying at your feet.
Guest list complainers
I’d like to take a moment to give the bridal party a huge breather. Look, I’ve been through enough of these things at this point to tell you that you’ve earned it. Now, let’s all stop complaining about not getting invited to stuff. They didn’t forget you on accident. Sorry you’re a douche, or just straight up not a close enough friend. Haven’t seen them in over a year? Sorry, pour yourself a glass of butt hurt and longingly watch all those dance floor snap stories. Maybe you should have made more of an effort to go visit them last summer.
This, my friends, is where battle lines are drawn. If I hear one complaint about how your three-month boyfriend didn’t get invited to the wedding, I’m gonna burn down the fantasy world that you and your little boyfriend live in. We’re talking scorched earth style. Welcome to the big leagues rookies, carry my gear. A plus one is serious business. We all know how this one’s going to end up. You will be sitting next to him or her, probably off a couple trips to the bar, weirdly staring at the first dance before sneaking off shortly after that. You’re still in the honeymoon phase and every couple at this blessed event is deep in the cruel game of love. You can bear to stand one night alone without your dating site significant other.
This is easily the sweetest part of the wedding this is where that photographer I bashed earlier is going to prove if they are worth what you paid them. This tugs at even my heartstrings every single time. It’s just a beautiful moment between a girl and her dad, on what’s sure to be the happiest day of her life. She’s stunning, a woman that this man has raised and taught her everything she needs to know about being a good person. He’s taught her patience, kindness, hard work and humor. She’s the total package, and now you’re going to wreck every single thing I just said by dancing to “I Loved Her First” by Heartland, which is far and away the creepiest song in recorded human history. Here’s a sampling of the lyrics:
“I knew the love of a father runs deep
Look at the two of you, dancing that way
So be careful when you hold my girl
I loved her first”
I’m sorry, you what now? There are some serious Donald/Ivanka undertones going on there. Let’s respect the boundaries between dad love and husband love, two entirely and appropriately different types of love. Why don’t we just pump the brakes, Daddy-O? Let’s keep this one light. Maybe some “The Way You Look Tonight” or “What a Wonderful World.” Yeah, that’s good. Let’s not let our minds wander to places we don’t want it to go, and there’s alcohol present so everyone is one drink away from their mind being in the gutter anyways.
This concludes the airing of grievances. Let’s all have plenty of fun out here this season, stick to our diets, keep that body tight and don’t forget to RSVP on time.