Learning to love myself has been one of the hardest and longest journeys I have been on so far in my almost 20 years of life. I've grown from a quiet, self-conscious middle schooler into an outgoing, (mostly) fearless, confident, and fun-loving college student. I wish I could say the journey was easy. I wish I could give out a five-step list of how to achieve self-love. And finally, I wish that no one would have to endure the tears, the late nights of trying to fix yourself with makeup, the hours looking up models you want to look like, and thoughts that no one will ever find you beautiful it takes to get to the point I am at in my life today. But if you're struggling with loving yourself, let me tell you that your time is coming. There is going to be a day where you can look at yourself in the mirror and love the image you see looking back at you. All of the hardships are going to be worth that moment.
The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to make sure that you love yourself before you love someone else. Now, I know this is an age-old debate, and I am not saying this is the only way -- it's just the way that worked for me, and I want to share with you why.
For me, it isn’t a question of whether you can love someone else before you love yourself. When you don’t love yourself, you can love someone else with all of the love that you should be using for you. The real questions are: can you do it in a healthy way, and will it result in a healthy relationship? Are you able to keep your identity, whether you love it yet or not, while engulfing yourself in someone else?
In order to figure this out, you should ask yourself if you are loving someone just to fill the void left from not loving yourself.
If your answer to this question is yes, I am not suggesting you isolate yourself or end a relationship you may be in. I am merely suggesting that you reflect on how you treat yourself. A great quote I came across a few years ago, and still remember, poses the question: “If you were asked to name all of the things you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?”
If your answer to the previous question is no, congratulations. As I said, loving yourself is hard, takes time, and has its ups and downs. Some days it’s easy, other days it feels almost impossible. So while this may not pertain to you in this moment, I hope that when you’re feeling down about yourself, you’ll remember this article and come back to it.
If you invest all that you have and put your identity into someone else’s hands, what happens when that person is gone? This is why it is so important to love yourself before loving someone else. If the person with whom you identify yourself is suddenly gone, will you still be able to love and know who you are? There is a difference between someone helping you to find who you are and to love yourself, and someone who just fills the void of self-love for a period of time.
I am not saying that a person can’t love you so much that eventually you will love yourself, or that if you start a relationship while not loving yourself it will never be healthy. I love the quote that says: “Someday you will find someone who will hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will stick back together.” I hope that comes for you. I hope that if you haven’t found love for yourself yet, you find a way to get there -- whether it be with another person, a community of people, or on your own. There will be days when it’s hard or maybe even seem impossible, and that’s OK. I’m not saying that you have to have this whole loving yourself thing down pat before jumping into a relationship. The journey of loving yourself will have its ups and downs, but at the end of the day please remember that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be free to be yourself. And finally, you deserve to one day have someone who brings out so much good in you, you have no choice but to love yourself.
