You love, then you lose. There's pain and heartbreak. That's life. Things can change in the blink of an eye and then you have nothing left to do but stand yourself up, wipe away your tears, and move on. Right?
I wish I could say this was true for me. I've always considered myself the "tough" girl and could get over heartbreak easily. But I was wrong this last time. I lost myself.
I was always taught that you work through your problems in relationships, no matter what. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Eventually everything will work out and be ok in the end, right? Wrong. Relationships can drain you to the point of no return. To the point where you start wondering where you went wrong, what you could've done better. You start to question your every move, and wonder what's wrong with you.
When you give a person everything you can, you think everything will straighten itself out. You try your hardest to keep the relationship from going under. From money for their bills, gas, spending money, your own car, groceries, top-of-the-line designer shoes, clothing, and sunglasses, and countless other irreplaceable items, you think you can win them over by being so kind and giving. But that never works. You can't buy a person I've learned, they simply use you. You feel as if you had failed.
When you love a person so much that you'd give them the world, and do anything to make them happy. That includes forgetting about yourself in order to please them. It drains you emotionally and physically.
Drained me to the point I would lay in bed all morning, laying in my own bed of anxiety and depression, waiting for a text that would never come. Drained me to the point I had to put a mask on everyday, just to make it look like everything was okay on the surface. Drained me to the point where I couldn't even recognize myself. Drained me to the point where I questioned my worth.
Drained me to the point where I questioned my worth...
No person on this Earth should ever question their worth. No woman should ever feel this way when a man leaves her questioning her every thought and step she takes. No woman should wonder how she could've been better, how she could've done more. Because ladies, you are worth so much more than all of the pain, anxiety, and heartbreak. No one deserves to feel like they're not good enough.
Thankfully I snapped out of it and put myself first. I realized that I wasn't "not good enough," in fact, I was too much. I was too good. I was too giving, too loving, too kind, too forgiving. I was too much of a woman. Too much of something. I was worth much more than you made me feel.
I blame society. It tells us that as women we need to take a step back and give our full energy into others and put yourself and your worth last. Not anymore. I know realize my worth and what I could do for the right person. I haven't given up on love despite my heartbreaks.
One day there will be a man out there that realizes this and will love me for who I truly am. One day a man will be thankful for my big heart and call me wonderful. And until then, I'll be focusing on myself and learning how to love every inch me.
